My mother died of cancer in 2005 and this is what I wrote when I recalled our visit to the doctor and receiving the diagnosis:
“I am actually surprised its cancer,” she commented when the doctor left the room. “I mean, since I didn’t smoke or anything.” It was a silent ride all the way home. She was looking out the window of the car and I was fighting back tears. I learn later that tears come and should pour like rain if you both want. Don’t hold back; I think it helps to release the other from having to be strong. Parents are funny that way…they try so hard to be strong for us, to live for us, to set an example for us. But now, you are in the driver’s seat, even if you never were before. The roles completely reverse during the dying process and your parent will look to you again and again for control, solace, organization, strength. Bottom line—be there. Don’t wimp out. I don’t care where you live or what is going on in your life. Get yourself to him or her stat.
I do not say this to make people feel guilty, so if you cannot use it, that is fine. It is simply that my experience was an overwhelming dependence upon my presence. My Mom was one of the most independent people I’ve ever known. It was just such a surprise.
I have enjoyed your notes, Jean. I embrace your steadfast spirit and hope you write this very important work for all who are healing from loss yet hold such treasured, intimate moments dear.
Sincerely, Maudie H, Ph.D.
