My life has been plaqued with many losses and sadness, but by far the greatest was the loss of my mom. My Dad died when I was 14 from Lung cancer, he was 50 years old and it was in the 70′s before the advancement of Chemo, needless to say he went very quickly. My mom worked exptremely hard to provide for my sister and I and thank goodness we had great support from our grandparents. The worst part was that my parent were older and so were our relatives, Mom was almost 40 when I was born.
Throughout most of my adult life my rock was my mother, she was 1st generation, American, Our Italian routes were very evident in the closeness of our family ties. I married young and there she was doing all she could to make sure I had the perfect wedding. I completed my education after I married since money was tight but i wanted to give back to her and make her proud. When I received my RN she was beaming.
My husband of 1.5 years died in a tragic accident and my family rallied to assist me. My life changed, I moved back home, I was inconsolable, unable to function but she was there for me. I found out shortly after my husband died that I was pregnant and she was there. Life went on, I worked, my mom helped with my son whom she loved dearly.
I eventually remarried and went on with my career and furthered my education. Both my sister and I supported and took care of mother since financially she had little resources. Mom lived with my sister until she became ill. Once mom was diagnosed with cancer she moved in with me and we worked on making her last months painfree, as best as we could, (I was a hospice nurse so I applied my know-how to her care). My present position was in clinical research so it took me away very often, but our family pulled together, grandson, daughters, husbands and hired help – we managed to keep mom home for almost 2 years. I miss our talks about family members that I never met, her years as a child of the depression and what it was like and most of all just her company. We could sit at the table having a cup of coffee and just be content to be together. When she felt up to going out, (she loved Atlantic City) we would just go, even if it was for an hour. I miss her shows, Wheel of Fortune and her schedule of what she watched, her friends calling.. Oh caregiving wasn’t all easy, there were disagreements amongst my sister and I. My husband always thought my sister wasn’t pulling enough of her end, but he knew how much keeping mom at home meant to me so he just bit his tongue.
Then suddenly her cancer, (Bladder) exacerbated, her age prohibited any additional surgeries and she required pain control. My sister and I decided that placing mom in a hospice facility for 2-3 days would be the best option. So mom was admitted into hospice and my sister was to take the day off and accompany my mom through the admission process in hospice. My sister didn’t get to hospice prior to their starting pain control. When we went to the hospice that evening Mom was totally out of it, she did not recognize us and slipped into a coma, she died late that night we were at her bedside.
My biggest regret, and it still haunts me, is that she went to the hospice facility alone, she had been discharged from the hospital and transported to hospice, my sister was suppose to be there. I went to work that day and should have not gone. We never got to say goodbye to her!! I would not blame my sister since she was so afraid and had such difficulty in seeing my mom progress, I should have taken the lead and been there.
Dear Sue;
I have tried to respond to your story several times since JF first posted; each time the tears would come and I would give up. I do not know if this feeling of not being there when we “should” have every truly goes away; it eventually will be a dull ache for you.
I am so sorry for your pain and guilt. When I read your story, I was thinking the entire time “you WERE there”! You and your family were saying “goodbye” for two wonderful years. Those two years say so much about her, her legacy, and your family. What a wonderful gift you gave your Mom. She sounds like a strong, loving, and practical woman. I wonder what she would say to you after reading your story? My hope for you is peace:)
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Dear Lynn:
Thank you for your comforting words. I know my mom would have been scared going to the hospice, she was never exposed to that type of faciliy before. I was old by the nurse who completed her admission she said “I am here to die”. She was always dramatic but it turned out to be her fate. We can’t take back the decisions of that day but going fowad I would never leave a loved one to be admitted to a facility alone, ( if I can be there). When we arrived later that evening mom was very sedated and confused, she did not know us. Later she passed. I know she undestands why we did what what we did. she always worried that taking care of her was a burden and feared we loose our jobs due to the amount of time we took off.
lynn you so right we were there and for that I am grateful.
Thanks
Sue
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Hi Jean:
Thanks for your encouraging words, and my sister still plays out that scenerio in her head why she wasn’t there; but I have to believe it was for the best she couldn’t handle seeing mom in such pain.
Lesson learned go with your gut feeling and mine was to take off from work and be there, ( I was saving my time so I could be home with her), needless to say we did the best we could. My mom was so happy to be with her family and we were there at the very end.
Sue
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Dear Sue,
As I read your beautiful,yet heart wrenching family story, I felt complete sadness for all you had to endure. Then your description of your mother, always there for you, taking you by the hand when you needed it most and loving you through all of it, and something like just sharing a cup of coffee together or watching a fav tv show, made you both happy, really got to me.
First, let me thank you for your story, it warms my heart, and second for being a nurse. Now I know how you feel about not being there, when your mom was admitted into hospice and when she left this world. I was not there when my dad (also transported from hospital) arrived at hospice, nor was I able to actually even step even two feet into his room, I was scared and in complete denial. I was not there when he slipped into a coma and passed, I blame myself too. Can we go back..no… does your mom know you did the very best for her, yes! of this I am completely sure. She was a great inspiration to you and your sister, and you both did what you could do. Never having the opportunity to say goodbye to our parents, will probably haunt us forever, but knowing how much we loved them and they loved us, and how nice it was to share that cup of coffee will last in your memory until you meet again.
Sue, please know you did a great job of caring for your mom.
~Char
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HI Char:
Thanks so much for validating my concern and taking the time to to read my story. I still have the coffee cups from a set given to me by my mom and when i feel the loss just using the cups make me feel closer to her, my sister and I have have grappled with not saying goodbye, but I know in my heart she knows how much she was loved.
Regards,
Sue
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Sue, as Char’s story illustrates, we all have those “I should have” moments we’d like to do over. I’m sure you’ll never meet a caregiver who doesn’t have a few of them. There is so much to be done each day, and we want to do it all perfectly. When we make a mistake while caring for our loved ones, we learn from that mistake and try to do better in the future to make up for it, and once we have that chance, it lessens the guilt of the initial mistake. But when we make a mistake, or a situation somehow gets away from us, having to do with our loved one’s death, there are no do-overs. So we carry those moments around with us, unresolved, as guilt.
I just don’t see how you could have foreseen this one – you were relying on your sister to do her part and neither of you knew your mother would go so quickly. I don’t know what situation came up for your sister, but I’m sure her feelings of guilt are even worse than yours. Nothing anyone can say will take away your “should have’s” of that last day – you’ll just learn to live with them. Eventually the hundreds and thousands of good decisions and happy moments will start to slowly stream back in; all the things you did just right; all the precious moments you wouldn’t change for anything, and you’ll have to make a conscious decision which of those memories deserve the most attention at any given time.
I’m sorry for the pain of your losses; I’m sorry for Char’s guilt and regret about her father; I’m sorry for all the caregivers in the world who, at this very moment, are making one of those mistakes that they’ll carry with them always.
I wish for you a good memory, one that will pop into your head today and make you smile. I hope you’ll take a moment and let it fill your heart with joy and gratitude that you were lucky enough to have a strong, resilient mother who loved you so much, and that she felt the same way about you. I hope that, for that one brief moment, you’ll realize that those are the memories your mother would want you to carry with you; that is how she would want you to remember her; that is the version of her she would want living in your heart.
~ Jean
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