I’ll never forget that night in February, 2008. The doctor called a few days after my husband’s biopsy to confirm that the tumor on his pancreas was malignant. He was told that the cancer was a rare form known as Islet Cell Carcinoma, and it had metastasized to his liver and spine. The doctor said that this type of cancer is known to be “more treatable”, but not “curable”, and surgery was not an option.
Peter, who was 51 at the time, was given one to three years to live, which for pancreatic cancer is a long time. He was immediately referred to an oncologist for further evaluation and treatment. That was over two years ago, and my husband’s cancer is now in a “stable” condition after eight long months of a very aggressive regimen of chemotherapy and hormonal treatments in 2008. Our story is chronicled in detail on Peter’s CaringBridge web site which has been a Godsend to me in keeping our friends and family updated on his treatment and prognosis. As a caregiver, as bad as this sounds, it became somewhat of a burden trying to keep everyone informed as to his progress, and although I genuinely loved and appreciated all the concern, I became very weary of having to talk about “it” so much and repeat the same thing over and over again. I encourage every caregiver to take advantage of that wonderful (free) web site, as it will be a blessing to you, as well as your family and friends, as you go through your own journey. This site, too, is so wonderful in reaching out to the caregiver, because it can be the most difficult of challenges to face in our lives.
Right now, we are so blessed that Peter’s cancer is in a stable condition…he still has tumors on his pancreas, multiple tumors on his liver, and extensive sclerotic and lytic lesions throughout his spine, although they were reduced in size and number after treatment. He continues to experience extreme fatigue, doesn’t sleep well, has intermittent pain which is mostly controlled with continuous narcotic pain medications, and sporatic appetite and stomach troubles. Compared to what alot of people are going through, we have it “easy” at this time. As long as the cancer is “stable”, he will get scans every three months and monthly IVs of what his oncologist calls “bone juice” to help with the pain in his bones. He has been considerably weakened by the cancer, the treatments, and the numerous medications he is required to take every day.
Our lives have been changed forever…the rollercoaster of emotions experienced from the day of diagnosis, throughout the treatment process, and numerous hospitalizations, side-effects, depression, fear, anxiety, financial issues, etc. take its toll, especially on the caregiver. I never had a clue what people who were living with a cancer patient had to deal with until I had to experience it myself. I guess there’s no way one can know. I will say this with confidence, there is absolutely no way I could have made it this far without my faith in God. I have felt His presence in so many ways and especially through the love, support and kindness of our many family members and friends. And, the power of prayer is amazing! I truly believe in it. Peter is living evidence of it and indeed a miracle to still be with us today!
~ Cindy P
On this Thanksgiving eve, I’ve been reflecting on all the many blessings that I and my family have received during the past year. First of all, Peter is still with us and doing okay, and although we recently learned that his cancer had begun to progress and he had to start chemotherapy again, I am still, indeed, very thankful in many ways. We have been given hope for more time because of the medicines available that have proven effective in stopping the cancer from progressing and even reducing the tumors in size and number…and the more time we are given, the more time for more research to be done and approved so that maybe later on, we will have more treatment options available and even possibly a cure! Each day we are given is a very special gift, and we all should try to remember that in spite of our circumstances. None of us is guaranteed tomorrow, no matter how healthy we may be today. Since Peter was diagnosed in February, 2008, we have lost three friends to cancer who were diagnosed well after he was. We also know many who have lost close family members and friends in unexpected ways…heart attacks, accidents, etc. The most important thing I’ve learned through our personal experience is what I have already mentioned … each day is a gift. We should treasure each one as though it is our last. We should be sure that those we love and hold close to our hearts know how much they really mean to us every single day. And, we should give thanks to God for all the wonderful blessings He has given us throughout our lives. And, althought this earth is only our temporary home, we should make the most of every moment we are given while we’re here. And, lastly, be kind to a stranger. I have committed to “Pay It Forward” during the month of December, and hope you will do the same. Do something nice for someone that you don’t even know without expecting anything in return. The biggest joy will be received by you in your giving, I can assure you. Wishing you all many blessings as we celebrate another Thanksgiving. In spite of our sometimes very difficult circumstances, we have much to be thankful for. <3 Cindy
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Cindy, I am sorry to hear of the cancer’s progression. I wish there were magic words I could say to ease your pay. But you know at this site, we are all here for you. I have lost a very dear friend this week and know the feeling of loss way too well. Will be sending special prayers heaven ward today and always for you and your family for peace, comfort and healing. You are never alone my friend. A very happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!! Susan
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Amen, Cindy. Have a very blessed Thanksgiving. In Christ’s love, Joan
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Cindy, Thank you for sharing your blessings with all of us. I think your dedication to “Pay It Forward” during December is something that I can focus on too. How insightful of you to remind all of us that despite our own struggles that we can still reach out and be thoughtful and kind.
All the best to you and your family. Thinking of Peter as he goes through his chemo and sending positive messages your way.
Joyce
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Dear Mrs.P, how beautifully you have inspired us to join you in paying it forward. I find myself blessed to be counted as a friend. I continue to be inspired by your lust for life, and forever will be connected to you, as you are one amazinig caregiver and most of all friend.
~Char
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Dear Cindy & Others,
A brief note here before we leave my parents’ after celebrating Thanksgiving. What a great outlook you have, Cindy-you are special, indeed
I will be praying for you and Peter, as he moves forward w/chemo. Hope you are still able to find some time to enjoy this wonderful season of joy, giving, and God’s love for us-a very happy time of year!!
Love your suggestion to “Pay It Forward” in December!!! I started that 2 days ago by delivering Danish Almond Kringle to our 4 closest neighbors-as a way of letting them know that we are grateful to have such good, neat people near us. Another suggestion for everyone: Give something to those who are “low on the totem pole” (Ex. I always given our school secretaries gift cards-doesn’t have to be a huge amt. of money; I also love to donate some of our used books to the teachers, school counselor, etc.) It’s surprising the many things we may have at home-and no longer use-that others would love to have!!
I’m not sure where you live, Cindy, but I tell you, if you can take a short, brisk walk outside, go for it! It’s just 20 degrees here, but I forced myself to bundle up and do a fast 1 mile walk. Boy, do I feel great!! We all know that exercise is good for us, but sometimes it’s difficult to find the time (and motivation!!) to get into action
Happy Thanksgiving and God’s Blessings to all of you. For those who’ve asked about my dad, he’s doing GREAT!! Walking easily with a cane, great color, standing straighter, etc. He just finished a refresh of physical therapy, and that has helped a great deal. He is very talkative, lively, etc., and it’s been a joy to see him hold my little Lauren (8-year-old) in his laps, give her long hugs, etc. My greatest thanks today is for the vast improvement he’s made since a year ago.
Much love to all of you,
Ann
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Cindy, thank you for sharing your experiences. Until my father had bladder cancer last year and had to have a urostomy, I only guessed at what caregivers dealt with. Now, a year later (a year which brought his spinal surgery, a broken arm from a fall off of his front porch, and countless issues with his urostomy and failing urostomy products) I have more experience and a better idea, and have nothing but intense admiration for any caregiver out there. My mother also started having severe anxiety issues during this past year and has not been able to eat much at all, which is a double problem for her since she is diabetic, so we have been looking after her as well, but these issues pale in comparison to what many people go through.
You are so right about treasuring every day, and I think that is a message I needed to hear tonight in particular. I love the idea of paying it forward. I do try to do this now and then when I think of it, but I will join you and be more consistent about it. I had the lovely experience several weeks ago of being in a drive-through line at DQ to get a chocolate dip-cone, and the person ahead of me paid for it. Even that “small” gesture was a huge plus for me that day and it is something I have done myself for others.
Thank you again for sharing, and I wish you and your husband every possible happiness, joy, and comfort as you face the days ahead together. Blessings to you.
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Sweet Cindy, I think of you and Peter often, riding the cancer/treatment roller coaster. You’re cherished by so many, and we all admire your loving spirit and strength of heart. What a lovely idea – Christmas time is the perfect time of year to pay it forward, those in need of kindness seem to feel that need doubly during the holidays. Take care of yourself, we’re all pulling for you, kid. ~ Jean
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To Jean and all my precious DLH friends…
Thank you from my heart! You are all so special to me and are such a light in my life! I just want to make sure we all do remember what a gift each day is. I’m afraid I didn’t appreciate the important things in life as I should have until Peter got sick, and I so badly want everyone, especially those who aren’t yet dealing with such difficult situations, to realize what a gift each day we are given really is! I certainly didn’t mean to “preach”, only to really say from my heart how much those close to me really do mean to me and how much I love and treasure them and appreciate every single day. I’m somewhat ashamed that it took something like my husband’s diagnosis of cancer to make me realize this. Unfortunately, the busy-ness of this life causes so many to lose focus on what is truly most important. But, now I know and do really appreciate and know how precious life is.
Love and blessings to you all. And to Jean, Char and Deb, you will always have a very special place in my heart…how I adore and admire you! I also admire each and every Caregiver represented on this wonderful web site that Jean has created for us, and I send to you all my love and keep you in my daily prayers.
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Hi Cindy,
Just wanted to pop in to let you know that I admire your honesty about feeling you didn’t really appreciate “each day” until your husband became ill. I think so many of us are just like you in that respect…I’m glad you have found a silver lining in all you’ve been through. Also, I just now scrolled down and saw your family portrait. What a beautiful trio you make!!
Much love,
Ann
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Cindy,
This might sound a bit odd but my mother passed away of pancreatic cancer 6 years ago. Her name was Cindy. My father’s name is Peter! It seems as though your life is an opposite of mine. Thank God your husband’s cancer is stable. When my mother was diagnosed, I think they gave her 3 months at the time and she lived for 15. It’s such a terrible cancer and for your husband to be fighting it like he is and not giving in to the ‘monster’ I find it amazing! Thanks for sharing your story.
Amber
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Hi Amber,
Just read your comment to Cindy P, and I am sorry to hear of your mother’s passing. If I may comment on Cindy and Peter P, they are the most wonderful, uplifting, inspirational couple I have ever had the honor to call friends. I call her Magnolia, and he is PP… they make me realize everyday, that life is what you make of it, their love for each other and their beautiful daughter, along with their faith has gotten them to today, and that’s all we can ask for… Stay Well Amber.
~Char
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Thank you, Char, for your kind and beautiful words. You are such a wonderful, caring person, whom I highly admire.
<3 Cindy
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Dear Amber, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your mother. Cancer is, as you said, a monster! When we first heard Peter’s diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, we expected only a very short time. Then, we learned that his cancer is a very rare form known as Islet Cell Carcinoma, which we have been told is not quite as aggressive and more treatable than adenocarcinoma, although not curable. Yes, it is quite amazing and a miracle that Peter is still with us and that the cancer has remained stable for over a year. It’s not in remission, however, as there are still tumors on his pancreas, liver and throughout his spine, just decreased in size and number. He experiences severe fatigue most days, but the many medications he has to take every day have for the most part managed his other symptoms quite well. We are very blessed to have been given this extra time, and so very thankful. I appreciate your comment, and I hope you can find peace in many wonderful memories I’m sure you have with your mom.
God Bless You, Amber!
~ Cindy
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Cindy,
thank you for sharing your story. My heartfelt thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you undertake this journey. I will pray for strength, peace and comfort for you all. What a beautiful family you have. You are never, ever alone, even thru the darkest hours. Easter Blessings!! Susan
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Thank you, Susan, and, as I told Jean, this web site has been such an encouragement to me. And, receiving such sweet, caring comments really mean so much to me. I know I’m not alone now, and there are so many others who know exactly what I’ve been struggling with. Blessings to you and yours! <3 Cindy
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Cindy,
My heart always sinks when I hear the words “Pancreatic Cancer” because we have dealt with it in our family with my little brother, Mike. Please know that my prayers are with you and yours. I’m glad that you are getting therapy. I know that it has helped me. Good luck.
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Thank you, Mary Elizabeth. You certainly have personally experienced the fear that one feels when hearing those words … “Pancreatic Cancer”. Hopelessness…everyone “knows” that it’s rarely surviveable, even when diagnosed in its early stages. I’m so sorry about your brother, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me about therapy….I’m trying really hard not to feel guilty about getting help. I know I’ve needed it for a long time, but really thought that all these emotions were just normal in this type of situation, and I would just have to deal with them as best I could. But, I’m so ready to “unload” and “let it all out” to someone I trust and feel comfortable sharing my deepest feelings and emotions with. Thank you, again. <3 Cindy
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I wanted to share with everyone something that means very much to me, our family portrait. It was a gift to us from Marion and Gary Silber, professional portraiture artists, and taken the weekend before Peter began chemotherapy in May, 2008. This is an unfinished proof.
[img]familyportraitbygarysilbermay2008.jpg[/img]
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What a gorgeous family, Cindy. Thanks for adding faces to your story. ~ Jean
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Jean, you are such a sweetheart <3
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Cindy, I just read your story and so many of those emotions came running back to me. What a great idea, to write it all down, on a website.
I know how you feel answering all the questions, that sometime, you just don’t want to have to talk about. I know there are times when just talking about it, makes the entire sitation seem worse. Thank you so much for your story and your faith. I do believe in miracles,and pray that you have some relief from all the stress and strain.
Char
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Char, thank you for your kind and thoughtful comments. I appreciate your taking the time to read my story and and share your thoughts with me. Even though my husband’s cancer is “stable” right now, I still experience many of what I call “episodes” of various emotions. I never sought counseling when he was first diagnosed even though we were told that it would be helpful to all of us, Peter, our teenage daughter, Megan, and myself. I am finally seeking professional counseling to help me learn to deal better with some of these emotions that continue to overwhelm me even during this “stable” period. In fact, I will be meeting with a therapist this week, and I think just being able to verbalize some of these feelings with someone I trust, who is also professionally trained, will be a big help to me. I continue to have strong faith and hope. Thanks again so much for writing. <3 Cindy
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Cindy, beautiful family photo. I think you are on the right path, and with your faith and hope, will be able to remain strong during this trying time.
Cindy, I actually work with a “miracle man” who is home healing from surgery due to from pancreatic cancer. I was wondering if you would like to be in touch with him? He has been through it all, chemo, etc. He is a wonderful guy, and I know he would love to help you out in anyway he maybe able to. BTW, he is now totally cancer free, see I told you he is a miracle man. He and his wife have had a year like no other, but with their strong faith, have come out on the otherside of it. If you feel this is something you and/or your husband would like to pursue, email me at: char@dontloseheart.org.
It’s my private email, here on the site, and I can provide you with his email and details.
Thinking of you.
Char
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Cancer free? MiracleMan indeed! That is wonderful. I consider Peter to be a MiracleMan as well as he has survived several frightening medical emergencies since he was diagnosed. He suffered brain damage in December, 2008, after his last treatment of chemotherapy because his sodium level had dropped to lethal levels. But, the brain scan nine months later indicated that the damage was completely healed after physical therapy, medication, and numerous prayers sent to the Father on his behalf! How could I not believe in the power of prayer after going through that experience especially?! His neurologist told us that she had seen only two people in her entire career get better from that type of brain damage. I would like to be in touch with your friend and will send you a personal email soon. Thank you so much! <3 Cindy
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Dear Cindy,
My stomach dropped as I read your story – I remember so clearly the emotions of the diagnosis, and I know all that you’re going through now. I’m sorry for all the strain, stress, and exhaustion you’re experiencing. Thank you so much for sharing your story during this time when you have so much going on. And please, take care of yourself and stay in touch. ~ Jean
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Jean, thank you so much. This web site is such an encouragement to me. It really helps to read other people’s stories and to know I’m not alone in feeling the intense and varying emotions that can envelope your life when one so close to you is suffering. And, the demands on a caregiver, mentally and physically, can be so tremendous at times. I have felt many times that I was just not “strong” enough to do this, but I also knew that I had no choice. The resources on this site are great, and the recipes…I can’t wait to actually try some of them. You are so wonderful to create this site and share your knowledge and personal experience. Caregivers do need a special place where they can “go” and truly be understood, and they have that place now, thanks to you. <3 Cindy
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