I sent my “mini novel” to Jean and she asked me to post it here. So here goes. I had been a nurse for almost 30 years when I felt a marble sized lump under my chin, I thought nothing of it. (Nurses are the worst patients) After having all of the nurses I know squeeze it and me included, after 4 months I went to have it checked. That was January of 2002.
An Ultra sound was done and they told me that I had the largest lymph nodes that they had ever seen. Next stop was a larger hospital that I took it upon myself to go to. I took my US reports and films. The Dr. that I saw put me in the hospital immediately. Before I knew it, I was in surgery with a promise from the doctor to do a chin tuck when he removed the node. Ultimately, it came back as Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. He came to my room and said,”Bev, you have cancer.” I said, ” And I didn’t get a chin tuck! Now I won’t be a pretty corpse.” He was floored. After he explained what I would have to go through and then left, I did break down and cry. What hurt the most was my Mother’s tears. I am an only child, and I have no children. I was also divorced. My father was very ill with a rare vascular disease that took his life 6 months after my “great” news.
When I went for my chemo treatments, my main source of remaining calm was my music that just happened to be all of Dan’s. It soothed me, it kept me calm, it made me take my mind off of all the bad stuff and the pain, and I did wonderful. I don’t think I could have made it without my Walkman….It was in 2002. I didn’t have an iPod then. LOL
I made a wish list of things that I wanted to do before I died since I was given a 5-7 life expectancy. The first thing on my list was to see Dan in concert. After a treatment, my best friend, Robin, found out that he was going to be in concert about 3 hours away in Kettering,OH. It was in June, it was raining, and it was cold. I didn’t mind any of it, Dan’s beautiful voice had me as high as I could be. I was speechless, except when we all sang “The Gambler” with him. And the icing on the cake was he had the band with him. What a special treat for me. Everyone around us was so kind as I didn’t look too good. They were trying to keep me dry and comfort me. But I appreciated it so much. I was seeing and hearing the most wonderful performer in the world.
I always had celebrated Dan’s birthday with mine as they are on the same day. He is sorely missed at my house….as I am sure he is at all of yours.
My Mother was my caretaker. She is a rock. She had to take care of my father and me at the same time and by the grace of God she did it. I would lie on the bed sometimes with my Daddy and watch TV. He would say, “Wonder which one of us will die first.” and then just laugh. I lost Daddy on August 11,2002. I had help from friends, but Mom wanted to do all of my care. I live next door to her and I felt more comfortable in my own home, so I stayed there most of the time. Plus, I could play my own music, which was all of Dan Fogelberg’s CD’s.
I have taken my cancer with a touch of humor. Life is too short to not make funny faces. When I went to a tanning bed, my oncologist said,”Don’t tell me you are going to tanning beds,”. I replied, “What’s it going to do, give me cancer?” He smiled and said, “Good point!” I have found laughter is the best medicine. I wanted my fiancé to get M & M’s with my face on some and a smiley face on them to hand out at my funeral. He cries. I laugh. I think it is a cool idea. LOL
This past week I had a CT scan and they found something on my Thyroid and on a lymph node. I get the results on Sept. 8. I am not afraid. I have outlived my life expectancy by a year and I feel great. I do get tired easily and my Mom sees it. She is 75 and she has to be the most wonderful mother in the world. And my fiancé has been on this journey with me for the past 2 years. He is wonderful.
I have a tendency to write too much, but I wanted to share the wonderful care I got from my family and friends and to express that no matter how bad it is, try to smile, make a joke, such as this one…When I found out that I was going to have chemo, I thought, “YIPPEE, I’m going to lose weight”…..I gained 65 pounds. So that is a funny story that I tell people that I come in contact with. There is a plan for all of us. I refused to give up, I laugh a lot, and I am not afraid to die if it is my time. I just hope that everyone gets their M&M’s at my funeral. ;o)
Thanks for reading my novel. And may all of you caregivers and cancer patients be blessed and have peace.
Bev
Update – August 19, 2011
Hi everyone. I am so sorry for not keeping up on this site. I have had a rough summer…..but the good new is I ONLY HAVE TO SEE MY ONCOLOGIST TWICE A YEAR AND ONE SCAN A YEAR NOW!!!!!!!!! He said I am his miracle. He was positive that my lymphoma was going to come back and I showed him. It is stable. Still there, but no growth since 2003!!!!And I didn’t have to have treatment at that time. Of course if I have any bumps or lumps that occur, I will call immediately. I was so happy and I wanted to share that with everyone. He said that he truly believes that it is my positive attitude that has kept me alive.
My Mom decided (not really) on July 12th to completely delete her body of the minerals that she needs to survive. She went into Acute Renal Failure and she couldn’t find anything cute about it. ;o) After 4 different admissions to the hospital from July 12th, thru Aug.7th, we finally have her on the road to recovery. We shed close to 13 million tears, held each other, and every time she would tear up, I would to. That’s how I roll. LOL She is on massive doses of Sodium, Magnesium, Potassium, and Iron. She finally started to feel better yesterday and didn’t have to sleep with 3-4 quilts on her. She is actually lucky to be alive. I spent many hours in the hospital with her and she was so worried about me. I thought nothing of that. She is my Mommy and no one can change that. She was there for me, and I shall always be there for her.
And for all of you out there that think you can’t take anymore….DON’T LOSE HEART!!! We are all here and it is part of the plan the way our lives play out.
Bev! This is wonderful superb news! It’s been awhile since we’ve heard from you and you have been in my mind wondering how you have been making out. Well this is exactly what we wanted to hear! And thank goodness your adorable mom is on the road to a full recovery as well, how scary what happened to her. Hope you all will be able to go on one of your family bike rides together again soon. In the meantime quoting Mr. J. Buffett, I wish you all “warm summer breezes, French wine and cheeses” with some M&M’s on the side to go with of course to round out your summer. You all deserve some major relaxation now. Thumbs up, way to go, you all keep fighting the good fight and yes, that positive attitude and bright spirit of yours Bev is your guiding light. Hugs to All, Karen
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Thanks Karen. I did get to go to the beach for a week with some of my girlfriends and boy did I relax. LOL I do try to stay positive and I think it helps all that are around me.
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Bev,
You sure have the right idea about staying positive, so very glad you had time to relax, welcome back.
~Char
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Hey Bev — Just “met” you (it’s 4 a.m. and the newly adopted cats decided to play tag under the bed, so of course I came here to check on things). You’re an inspiration — thanks for sharing and so glad to hear you and your mom are persevering — keep at it!
Deb D.
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Thanks so much Deb. Nice to meet you. My cat is in hiding. Mom and I are both pretty tough and didn’t even know it. I feel a lot of people are like this and it takes a small tragedy to bring it out in them. Then they realize…”Wow, I can do this!!!” And who knows, I may have to lean on you for some support sometime. ~ Bev
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Bev-ster
Wonderful, terrific, outrageous, stupendous, astonishing, miraculous, incredible,
astounding, phenomenal, OK…. someone stop me…… it is mind-blowing.
I am so happy, doing the happy dance, and if you know me, you KNOW I do not dance!!!!
Seriously, from the start, with your M&M story, I just knew that sense of humor, your love of life, would help you along your journey. And to top it off the icing on the cake, or this case M&M, is your mom is on the way to a full recovery.
Bev, thank you so much for being here for all of us, for showing that even in the
dark, a single light shines….. AND GIRL YOU SHINE!!!!!
~Char
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Thanks Char…You almost made me cry…..but I popped a M&M in my mouth and said, “NO WAY”. No room for tears here. I just wish so many could see the positive side when the flashlight has gone out. It may be for some one else or it may be for you…but I fully believe that there is a light that shines…we just have to look for it. Me, I find it in my dark humor, and if I can make one person smile…I know that I feel better. Now, on to the rest of the store size M&M’s. No funeral to prepare for as of yet!
((((HUGS)))))
~Bev
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Bev,
Plain or peanut?
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Plain. But in case the time comes soon for my face to be on them…let Arlo know that I want Blue and White ones for my beloved University of Kentucky!!!
)
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Bev,
Got it, blue, white, U of K and Arlo… plain,um I took you for a peanut!
Glad to know all is well with you guys, love to all.
~Char
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Sending out lots of positive energy to our friend, Bev who I believe is having a body scan today to determine if she has
rheumatoid arthritis. Bev, please update us when you can.
We miss that sense of humor!!
~Char
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Still haven’t heard anything yet. I guess no news is good news….but I thought that same thing when they found the node on my thyroid. LOL But I will let you all know when I find out. I hate waiting….I am too impatient…and now my mom is telling me all the things she wants done when she dies. I told her we would talk about it later….her reply, “I may be gone by then.”LOL She has to have her gallbladder taken out. I don’t know who would want it. If anyone needs a gallbladder, let me know. ;o)
Thanks Char for thinking of me.
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Hi Bev,
Waiting on test results is not one of my favs, and I certainly hope you will hear nothing but great news. In the meantime, will your Mom be able to have the laparoscopic method of gb removal? I hope she can, it is much easier on the patient. Good wishes coming your way, just let us know when you can how things are going. No need to thank me for thinking of you, everytime I see a M&M commerical, I can’t help but think of ya!
~Char
ps: I could use a gallbladder I bid farewell to mine in 98′
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Dear Bev, Prayers and good wishes to you and your mom. I LUV m&m’s too!
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Bev has a great, dark, sense of humor – she told her loved ones she was considering having personalized M&M’s with her photo on them served at her funeral. That’s our Bev: colorful and cheery on the outside; dark and sweet on the inside. Jean
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Bev, Positive thoughts are being sent your way… Thinking of you.. I am another m&m lover!
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My college roommate had peanut M&M’s at her weddint – a huge silver bowl of them. She loved them, ate them through college, and they fit right in with her wedding. Needless to say, it left a lasting impression.
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Please forgive me for all my typos tonight………it’s late is my best reason. As an English Major, it horrifies me to see them!
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Hi Bev, ugh, waiting for test results is the WORST. You have such a great attitude, and you’re so strong, even in the face of all you’ve had to deal with. I’m sorry you have to provide emotional support for your mother while you’re going through this, it would be nice to have her support. I hope you get a good price for her gallbladder.
Let us know what the test results say. Jean
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Dear Bev, my Grandmother who lived to be nearly 104 years of age said, “Good-bye. This may be the last time I see any of you,” from the age of 81 until she died. God Bless her – she was my mother and my mentor in many ways. I miss her so.
Good luck waiting on your test results – I know that is sheer horror. Our thoughts and our prayers remaine with you though, so I hope it brings you a small amount of comfort.
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Just checking in with everyone. Been very tired the past two weeks. I blame it on the weather, or on having to do housework….suck Arlo into doing it for me….you know,the “Honey, can you do the laundry, I have cancer.” LOL He is an angel to me. My Mom is doing well still. She is wanting to take a car trip to Texas to visit her brother but is afraid of bedbugs in the the motels. She gives a whole new meaning to the term OCD! Never a due moment with the two of them. I have found another lump on my groin, so I will be going to the doctor very shortly to see if it is from just being run down or if the BEAST is back. I’m more inclined to believe it is from being run down. Caregivers out there, take note if a family member or patient complains of being tired and there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it. Get to the doctor….if it is just being tired what have you lost? You have gained another day to get that cure. (((((HUGS))))) to all. ~Bev
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Dear Bev,
The weather can have that effect on you, I for one feel tired with the change in season, especially since the temps seem to be flip flopping back and forth at this time in Connecticut. Your poor Mom, I fully understand her fear of bedbugs….. ouch! It sounds like she and Arlo keep you smiling all the time. So you mentioned you have a doctor’s appointment, will you let us know how things are going? Looking forward to hearing from you real soon, with more of your wonderful sense of humor. Hugs rite back at ya, Girl!
~Char
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Hi everyone. Just wanted to drop by and tell you all thanks for the prayers, good thoughts, and encouragement. I have been very tired since the biopsy, but I think it is because they played with my thyroid and I am just going to have to get back on course. Everyday is a challenge as I do seem to be more tired, and Mom notices it. I just tell her it is because her cataract is growing and she isn’t seeing things very clearly. ;o) Now if I can just get my tires on my bike inflated…..Arlo to the rescue…..the 3 of us are going to take a ride in this beautiful fall weather. Yes, my 75 year old mom decided that she would like to start riding a bike again after 65 years. She does very well!!! I tire out before them, but they are understanding. Plus it gives the three of us a good laugh. Mom is comical. Take care my friends, and again, thank you so much. You mean so much to me. ~Bev
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Bev, great to hear from you, and isn’t the fall weather a welcome site and feel!!
Hope you have a great bike ride and kudos to Mom, sounds like my Mom who is 90 and went on her first helicopter ride!!!!!
Have a beautiful week and your comments and story on DLH has me for one thinking you might have a new career as a stand up comic, with a bowl M&M’s of course by your side!!!
~Char
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Hi Bev, you always put such a smile on my face! So glad to hear you’re all not letting anything prevent you from enjoying this lovely time of year. How cute your mom is and she is just as amazing as her beautiful daughter is. You have now inspired me to do the same and I am going to plan an outing on bikes also after work with my 2 guys (son & husband) as a trio too as well!
Autumb blessings to you and yours, Karen
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Hi Bev,
So good to hear from you and your friend, “Ms. Postitive Outlook”!! Did you go for a bike ride yesterday? I hope you all wore helmets
I think you help US out, Bev, as much as you feel we help you….your zest for life is infectious! Hang in there, and I’ll bet you’ll gradually feel better w/each passing day. Take good care!
~Ann
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Hi Bev,
This is AWESOME news!! I had been thinking about you and wondering what the biopsies would show.
I’m really glad that you’ve come to the point of no longer fearing death. That is huge…many people just can’t accept that possibility. Enjoy those M&M’s and make sure you eat all the green ones!! If you don’t know the myth about the green M&M’s, just do an online search 
I think there have been some great strides made in the past 20 years or so-in treating Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Keep your chin up and hang on to your ultra positive attitude
~Ann
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Good news everyone!!!! The biopsies were benign!!!!!! Now if I can just do something about this Non- Hodgkin’s thing that I have going on! lol Thank you so much for all of the positive thoughts, prayers, inspiration, and I am thinking about that idea of yours, Jean, getting the M&M’s now and eating one a day. But they are like Lays Potato Chips….you can never eat just one! LOL Lord knows I don’t need to gain anymore weight after the 65 pound weight gain with Chemo!!! LOL Love you all. ~ Bev
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Hi Bev! I’ve been checking this site often the last two days to see if you had posted anything and here you are, with good news for us all – I can feel your bright spirit bouncing right off the page! What joy you, your fiance’ and your mother must be feeling tonight. The gift of more time. Thank you for letting us know that something good has happened in your world today.
I hope you have a restful sleep tonight. Love, Lisa
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Yeah Bev!!! Awesome news, fantastic! I am going to go to sleep tonight now with a smile on my face as I drift off. You deserve as many M&M’s and Lay’s potato chips (Ummm, my favorite too) as you want! You keep getting better for us and we’ll be right here for you, the prayers and positive energy we will keep them coming! Huge hugs! Love, Karen
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Hey Bev,
Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful( I sound like Lawrence Welk) news. So very happy for you and your Arlo and Mom.
So… now have you ever tried mixing the M&M’s in with the potato chips? Oh yeah, give yourself a treat just for today and try it, although it could be habit forming!
Thinking of you, please come back here often and just if its just to say “Hey”
~Char
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Dancing a little happydance in my chair, Bev, and doing my Babe The Pig impression – La la la, la la la! ~ Jean
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Bev — That is spectacular news, and I hope every day going forward holds brilliant treasures for you. I know that reading your story and hearing the stories of other people have made me view life in a new way; I appreciate each day a lot more!
Laurel
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Bev,
This is SO WONDERFUL! I, too, have been thinking about you and wondering how the tests went. Thanks for letting us know. Will keep up the prayers for your good health.
Betsy
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Dear Bev, you have such a bright spirit! You are such an inspiration to us all! I want you to know you were the first one I thought of in my prayers at church on Sunday and before we left & I made sure I lit a candle just “for Bev” before I scampered out trying to catch up with my family. Please know there is a lot of positive energy headed to you and warm hugs to go along too from your DLH family here. Please keep in touch with us. Love, Karen
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Bev, keeping you and everyone in my prayers. I love your sense of humor and please keep it, though some days may be hard. I hope you gain as much comfort from this website as I have. A big hug to your Mom for all she has done and am grateful you have that special someone to share with. It does make the load easier to carry. Please keep us posted on your progress when you are up to it!! Blessings and Love-Susan
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thank you beverly for your story .i was begining to feel out of whack.i wanted some answers to exactly what i have .i found some on the mayo clinic.my cancer as i mentioned is squamos cell carcinoma.it did not show up as skin cancer but a colorectal tumor.i came overnight it seem like.i knew inside it was cancer.the surgeon i was refered to said it was a blood clot.like a super hemmoroid.3 weeks later i get a call from the doctors office for a consultation.the biopsy said cancer.why skin cancer there.it didnot look like the pictures they show you.it was a tumor like a pea that was getting larger.i read in the mayo journal that if you had radiation for skin problems in the 60s or earlier this is a result.well i did have the radiation and it was alot .it burned me that how much.not just once.i dont remember how many i got.my brother in law’s brother also got cancer but lymphoma .he radiation also.i have one solid month of radiation treatments and chemo.i want to curse right now but i wont write it.i just recently in the past week woke with pain in the area.bad pain.i have to wait till oct to start and that has made me uneasy.medicare and approval for hardship insurance.i always felt this was coming but really did not think it would be reality.now i have known the tragedy of suicide with my father taking his life.i was hospitalized with morbid depression and i now have this.this year has been the best and worst.12 yrs since my father 2 going 3 yrs since my depression recovery all land with this.this year i finally was able to get my social security and medicare.so i finally felt i had suffered enough in my life and now i could really live a new life which after coming out of the depression in which case in could not have been worse i now face this.maybe i had to overcome all of that just to take this on.i know what i have and its serious.but i didnt think i would ever get well from the depression but i did.overwhelmingly.so i can do this to.i have to.please advise me on dealing with people in my life who will not overcome there problems.i feel like i cant be around people who are negative.but some are my friends so im caught between castigating them for not doing more for themselves and just ignoring what has become a tired record.im not cold im just tired of it.god damn look what shit i have been through and now this.this is what i want to say to them.forgive me for writing that.i dont want to say so it to them so im swallowing it.thank yu for letting me spill out.yur site will be helpful to me.praise God Almighty .im not afraid to say that.i can now and nobody can say yu dont know what ive gone through cause i have and will.maybe for His glory and Jesus.Robert Foster
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Thanks so much Jean and Char. I will try to keep the updates coming in. The hard part this time was that I was notified on Aug. 13th, by my Mother, and she was a mess. I was visiting with my Love, and we were at a benefit for one of his co-workers who has stage 4 lung cancer. I was telling them all of my crazy antics and jokes and everyone was laughing. My cell phone rang and it was my sweet Mother. The doctor couldn’t reach me, so he called her, and I was almost 2 hours away. When she said that he told her the cancer was back, I just put my head in Arlen’s, my love, chest and cried. After a few minutes, I said, “Well, there goes my streak of good luck.” And we all laughed. Then I told Arlen, “You had better get started on those M&M’s.” He didn’t find it very funny. But after the initial shock of all of it, I was fine. I milked it for everything I could like, “honey, fix me something to drink, I have cancer….or Darlin’, would you rub my feet, I have cancer….or Baby would you take me for an ice cream cone, I have cancer.?” We are at the stage again that we can laugh about it. Thank goodness for laughter. And I may have to call upon you, Jean, for the M&M’s!!!! ;o)
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Bev, YOU are a nut, a wonderful crazy nut, who has made me cry, and today was my “no crying day”
What a fun loving wonderful spirit, I am sure is drawn to you. What a wonderful mother you have, you are such a joy, and going to the Dan concert in the rain, love it. Love the M&M idea, just remember to include some bags cause last week at the Dan Memorial, I had to help a friend, without a bag/purse, who wanted to take a few M&M’s with her and had no where to put them. So I came up with, take a napkin and put a few M&M’s in it, and if you can’t carry them, for a short time throw the package in your bra. Soooo, IT WAS HOT, need I say more!!!
Bev, please write when you can and let us all know how you are doing. I think you are amazing.
~Char
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Dear Bev, your “novel” is beautiful, and your sense of humor is inspiring. Please tell your mother that she has our utmost admiration for being the stellar caregiver she is. And lucky you are to have such a steadfast man in love with you. I ordered M&Ms for the party we had the night before the memorial dedication for Dan – it was fun. Each M&M was the color of, and had the name of, one of his albums. You realize, of course, that you may have to take care of the M&Ms thing yourself. Maybe you should order a bag now, and eat one a day. When the bag runs out order another. That way, if you cross over before the bag is empty, you can go with the peace of knowing that there will be M&Ms at your funeral.
Never lose that wonderful sense of humor you have, and let me know if you need help with the M&Ms…
http://www.mymms.com/customprint_faces/
~ Jean
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