Don't Lose Heart

JOKES

A blonde is speeding down the highway in her little red sports car when she gets pulled over by a woman police officer who is also a blonde.

The blonde cop asks to see the blonde driver’s license. She digs through her purse but can’t find it, and is getting progressively more irritated. “What does it look like?” she asks.

The policewoman replies patiently, “It’s square, and it has your picture on it.”

The driver finally finds a square mirror in her purse, looks at it, and hands it to the policewoman. “Here it is,” she says.

The blonde officer looks at the mirror, then hands it back saying, “Oh, okay, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop.”

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An elderly couple had dinner at another  couple’s house. After eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two husbands were talking, and one said, “Last night  we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I highly recommend it.” The other man said, “What’s the name of the restaurant?” The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What do you call that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that’s red and has thorns.” “Do you mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last  night?”

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I sure have gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92
But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.

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A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just stay calm, sir. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the  elderly widow and asked,
“How old was your husband?”
“98,” she replied, “two years older than me”.
“So you’re 96″, the undertaker commented.
“Yes”, she responded, “hardly worth going home, is it?”

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An older couple are lying in bed after an evening celebrating their 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband is falling asleep, but the wife is in a romantic mood and wants to talk.

She says, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.” Wearily he reaches across, takes her hand, and then tries to go back to sleep.

A few moments later she says: “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reaches across, gives her a peck on the cheek and settles down to sleep.

Just before he drops off she says: “Then you used to bite me on my neck.” He throws back the bed covers and gets out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asks.

He says, “To get my teeth!”

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My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

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A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, her heart stops again and she has a near death experience. Seeing God, she asks, “Is this it? Is my time up?” God says, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.” Upon recovery, the woman goes and gets a face lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she has so much more time to live, she figures she might as well look fabulous.  After the final tuck, she’s released from the hospital. She looks and feels great! While crossing the street on her way home, she’s hit and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in heaven, she goes to God’s office to complain. “I thought you said I had another 40 plus years? Why didn’t you stop that ambulance?” God replies, “My child, I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you!”

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It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

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Two elderly women are eating breakfast in a restaurant. Ethel notices something funny about Mabel’s ear and, looking closer,  she says, ‘”Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mabel answers, “Did you say a suppository?!” She pulls it out and stares at it. Then she gets a big smile and says, “Ethel, I’m so glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

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THE SENILITY PRAYER :
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway;
the good fortune to run into the ones I do;
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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A doctor walks into an examination room and sees a man sitting on the table looking pretty sick. “Flu?” he asks.
“No, I drove here”, the man says.

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A man goes to his doctor one day for a consultation to discuss the results of some tests he’d had done. The very next day he’s called in again for another consultation. The doctor says, “I have some good news, and some bad news. Which do you want first?” “The good news”, the man says.
“Your test results show you have only 24 hours to live.”
“What??!?”, says the man, “What’s the bad news?!”
“I forgot to tell you yesterday.”

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10,000 blondes meet in a big stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The blonde moderator says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid! Can I have a volunteer?”

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up on to the stage. The moderator says, “Thank you! Please answer one question: what is 15 plus 27?”

After 15 or 20 seconds the blonde says, “Fifty!”

After a few embarrassing seconds, 10,000 blondes start cheering, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The moderator says, “Okay! What is 15 plus 15?”

After nearly 30 seconds the blonde answers uncertainly,  “Forty six?”

The crowd lets out a collective sigh – everyone is disheartened. Then once again the crowd shouts,

“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The moderator, hoping for a correct answer, asks, “What is 1 plus 1?”

The blonde gives a big smile and says, “Two!”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 10,000 blondes jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”