Don't Lose Heart

FAMILY! SIBLINGS!!

CASE STUDIES

I have one friend whose family gets together as often as they can, living in different states as they do; they call each other frequently just to talk; they love and support each other unconditionally; they don’t judge each other, or conspire against each other, their revered parents love them equally and each sister thinks the other sisters are fabulous – really and truly: beautiful and talented and fabulous.

I had a chance to study these people in their natural habitat. At first I sat quietly and just observed their customs and how they interacted with each other, so they would get used to me being among them. It was obvious that they enjoyed each other’s company and were glad to all be together in one place. Once I felt confident that they were comfortable with me, maybe even thought I was one of them, I began to try to communicate with them. It was a success – they were warm and accepting of me, and there were no elephants or any other wildlife lurking in the room that I could sense, no “looks”, no underlying currents threatening to drag the unsuspecting guest into a whirlpool of unresolved issues and resentments, just lots of talking and laughter. I intend to return to their next gathering in the wilds of Maine when I have the chance, to try to verify my findings.

Then there are the rest of my friends. Their families convene for the occasional holiday, anniversary, or vacation (if they are still on speaking terms) and, depending on how the last get-together went, it’s either in anticipation of a few days of intermittent bonding and diplomatic tongue-holding, or in hopes of detente. Phone calls are irregular and a name in the caller ID window can elicit pleasure, fear, or, more usually, nervous misgivings. It’s taken for granted that they love each other; they are family after all. But ongoing relations have all the hallmarks of a carnival bumper car arena: there are smiles and laughter, the occasional light side bump; intentional head-on collisions; and worst of all, the neck-jarring, never-saw-it-coming impact from behind. Conversations and emails are a roller coaster ride of kinship and love based on past events and many years of shared memories, and intense rivalry and angry confrontations based on past events and many years of shared memories. Their siblings think the other siblings are everything from smart, talented, good-looking, upstanding citizens making the world a better place, to evil, conniving demons and nut cases: perfect examples of everything that’s wrong with the world today.

These are my people.

THE FAMILY CRISIS

A family crisis can bring out the best and worst in people. It can lead to a healing mutual acceptance and renewed appreciation of each other, or a wildfire of anger and jealousy that burns everything in it’s path, leaving a wasteland of smoldering ashes.

In most cases, one sibling lives nearby and ends up being the primary caregiver for Mom and/or Dad. The other siblings call or visit from time to time (or not), leading to discussions about the best care or treatment options; expenses and money; and legal and inheritance matters. Very often, the outside siblings have no idea of the time, effort, patience, stress, and costs involved in being a primary caregiver. So it’s natural that any efforts on their part to give advice or criticism are deeply resented by the exhausted sibling doing the primary caregiving. It’s also normal that Mom and Dad may develop a dependency on the sibling caring for them, which could lead to, or be construed as, favoritism. This will bring up every petty jealousy going back to the womb, clouding judgment and hindering any constructive decision-making.

If you thought families were complicated, just wait until someone is terminally ill or dying. And if Mom and Dad haven’t made their wishes known on paper, with an indisputable, signed living will or trust, holy shitake, the rice is gonna fly.

Below are some resources with information and suggestions to help you find your way through the maze of complicated emotions most of us call “family”. Good luck, and may the Force be with you.

WEBSITES

StrengthForCaring.com
Providing care for an aging or ill parent can bring out the best and the worst in sibling relationships. Ideally, the experience of caregiving is a time for siblings to come together and provide mutual support to one another. However, as a stressful transition, the pressure can also lead to strained connections and painful conflict.
Visit this website at: http://www.strengthforcaring.com/manual/balancing-work-and-family-family/caregiving-and-sibling-relations

Family Caregiver Alliance
Providing care for your parents can be complicated. When your brothers and sisters are also involved, caregiving can become even more complex. While your siblings can be enormously helpful and your best support, they can also be a source of stress.In this Fact Sheet you will learn how to identify the family dynamics that can impact caregiving, ways your siblings can help, how to increase your chances of getting that help, and how to deal with emotions that arise.
Visit this website at: http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=2488

Choices.RetireAtHome.com
As parents grow older, experience health crises, and require more help from adult children, having siblings to share the caregiver load makes things easier. Right? If you weren’t quick to nod your head in agreement, you might be one of the many family caregivers who find themselves dealing with the “old business” and long-standing sibling dynamics that can re-emerge during this time.
Visit this website at: http://choices.retireathome.com/pub.81/issue.1380

CaregiverStress.com
Family caregivers know all too well the sensitive issues that can send brothers and sisters into turmoil. Family caregiving may be stressful under any circumstances. But certain situations are hot button triggers. These events can make the life of caregiving siblings more difficult and lead to family conflict. The 50-50 Rule℠ public education program can help address hot-button issues with effective communication skills.
Visit this website: http://www.caregiverstress.com/family-communication/solving-family-conflict/issues-causing-stress/sibling-caregiver-hot-buttons

 BOOKS
“They’re Your Parents, Too!: How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy” by Francine Russo

“Blood & Money: Why Families Fight Over Inheritance and What To Do About It” by P. Mark Accettura

VIDEOS
YouTube videos about caregiving and siblings: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbvpRFiaB_M