LOSS / GRIEF
“One of the things so astonishing and costly about losing a loved one is that, while the sun continues to rise and set, newspapers continue to be delivered, traffic lights still change from red to green and back again, our whole life is turned around, upside down. Is it any wonder we feel disoriented, confused? Yet the people we pass on the street are going about their business as though no one’s world has been shaken to the core, as though the earth has not opened and swallowed us up, dropped us into a world of insecurity and change. It is, as Emily Dickinson says, ‘a new road’ – for us as surely as for the one we have lost. It will take us time to learn to walk that road. Time, and a lot of help, so we don’t stumble and fall irretrievably. Those who have had their own experiences of loss will probably be our most helpful guides – knowing when to say the right word, when to be silent and walk beside us, when to reach out and take our hand. In time, we will be helpers for others.”
~ Martha Whitmore Hickman, from her book “Healing After Loss”
Once you’ve lost a loved one, especially after a long battle with an illness, you’ve entered new territory. Those of us who’ve gone before you are here to let you know that you’ll make it through. You just have to give it time and be gentle with yourself. You’re probably exhausted to start with, and on top of that your mind is really fuzzy. You’re going to say and do things you will have no memory of later, so go slow. Take it one day at a time, and remember that each person deals with grief in their own way, in their own time. You can’t hurry grief, and you can’t deny it. So be alone when you feel like being alone, cry when the tears want to come, and do your best to take care of your body – it has to carry you through until your mind is well again.
Many of us have found that mentioning a loved one’s name after they are gone creates an awkward moment. People don’t know what to say or do for you, so they change the subject or avoid mentioning them altogether. This is normal, don’t let it affect you. It’s natural for our conversations to be filled with mention of our loved ones: they are a big part of our history and who we are. And just because your loved one is no longer here, they are still present in your heart.
HELP GUIDE: Coping With Grief and Loss
Losing someone or something you love is very painful. After a significant loss, you may experience all kinds of difficult and surprising emotions, such as shock, anger, and guilt. Sometimes it may feel like the sadness will never let up. While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing. There is no right or wrong way to grieve — but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain. You can get through it! Grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life.
http://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
MENTAL HEALTH AMERICA: Coping With Bereavement
The loss of a loved one is life’s most stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. After the death of someone you love, you experience bereavement, which literally means “to be deprived by death.” Remember — It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and allows you to go on with your life.
Knowing What to Expect
When a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of emotions, even when the death is expected. Many people report feeling an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a death, but there is no real order to the grieving process.
http://www.nmha.org/index.cfm?objectid=C7DF9618-1372-4D20-C807F41CB3E97654
GRIEF LOSS RECOVERY - Hope and Health Through Creative Grieving
So the unthinkable has happened to you! A special loved one has been torn from your life by tragedy, and you are heartbroken. I am so very sorry for your loss, and wish to extend our deepest sympathy to you and your family. Welcome, my friend, to our grief loss recovery website. You have come to the right place for straight answers, practical advice… and hope.
http://www.recover-from-grief.com/
“REMEMBERANCE – TO ONE IN SORROW”
By Grace Noll Crowell
Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,
And let me take your hand.
I, who have known a sorrow such as yours,
Can understand.
Let me come in — I would be very still
Beside you in your grief;
I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,
Tears can bring relief.
Let me come in — I would only breathe a prayer,
And hold your hand,
For I have known a sorrow such as yours,
And understand.
“ALL IS WELL”
By Henry Scott Holland (1847-1918), Canon of St Paul’s Cathedral
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
This year’s roller-coaster of painful suffering for my mom has come to a close on 10/31 when my mother
passed from this world to her heavenly home in the arms of Jesus with her eyes wide open. Her passing peaceful and in quiet comfort during the last several days with the love of her daughters, prayers of those who loved her, hospice caregivers and her Heavenly Father was a gift of mercy for all of us. Thank you, Lord that I was able to be with her during this year and her final hours and final breath. The grief over the past 11 mos has been a journey of spiritual growth for all of us, even though she was only aware of her severe pain and wasn’t aware who I was, I believe our hearts knew and comfort one another through God’s Holy Spirit of comfort and guidance with amazing grace and peace at the end of one difficult road and the beginning of a new one. I love you, mom.
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Dear Debbie;
I am sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
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Debbie,
Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your mom. I know how hard it is to watch a parent suffer, thank God, her pain is over. You now can rest and find peace in the knowledge that she is being cared for by the finest caregiver of all.
~Char
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Debbie, a peaceful passing, in quiet comfort, with loving family and competent caregivers around? In helping to make that happen for your mother, you gave her an immense gift. So many caregivers plan and struggle to make that happen for their loved ones, but unforeseen events can ruin even the best laid plans. I’m sorry for your loss, but glad that you’ll have that final memory to help give you comfort in the years ahead. ~ Jean
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Debbie,
I am so sorry for your loss of your dear Mother. Your caregiving was a blessing to all, especially your Mom. What an honor it was for you to be with her while she passed. I am sure she ran right into Jesus’arms. Finally at peace, finally no more pain. The time has come for you to breathe deeply and exhale. You are in my prayers.
Joan
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Sending positive thoughts your way.
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It’s been a rough week; lot’s of lessons about grieving. As a former technical writer, I’m all about the steps of the process. I naively thought that grieving was a 1-2-3 Done! process. Get through the milestones of that first year, and it’s sweet memories and funny, cute little stories after that, no more tears.
I have been missing my soul sister, Marilyn, who passed away nine months ago. My biological sister, Sue, died over ten years ago. Sue was eleven years older than me. She literally and figuratively held my hand until the day she died. Marilyn took my hand that day and became my sister.
I had looped back into grieving for Sue. The milestone is that I am now the age that Sue was when she died, no one to blaze the trail ahead. I now realize there will be milestones for the rest of my life, and I vow to pass by them with my eyes wide open, ready to kick guilt and regret in the teeth.
I am fortunate to have a third “sister”; we’re about the same age. We had a lengthy conversation last night about guilt and regrets. We joined hands and decided to blaze that trail ahead together; we literally made a pact to stop heaping more on ourselves than we can handle, to throw out the guilt and regrets about not doing enough, to set our own milestones to look forward to. We are planning a trip this fall.
Hell week is over…movin’ on.
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Hello everyone – just wanted to write a note and connect with everyone. It’s been a little over 6 months since Mom died and I’m still working through all those “firsts” like Mother’s Day, birthdays etc. I was feeling pretty good then WHAM a wave of grief blew in and knocked me down. It took me some time to figure out where it came from . . . but my Dad’s 75th birthday was on Wednesday and I got a double dose of missing both of my parents, remembering taking Mom to the cemetary last year for the last time. Autumn is coming, my kids are back to school and the sun still rises and sets and the world spins around. Tomorrow marks the 10 year anniversary of 9/11 and that makes my heart heavy too. So there it is. Writing it down and sharing it here lightens the load so thanks for being here. “Let mine be a voice for peace.” Thanks.
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Yes, Marietta, as our nation grieves on this particular weekend I pray fervently for comfort, for healing. Absolutely! “Let mine be a voice for peace.”
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Such a moving, thought-provoking and very sad day, but the weather was beautiful in my area and the moon is bright tonight. Definitely a day of reflection.
“Let mine be a voice for peace” also – I was humming to myself quietly many times today.
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Hey Mari,
The “firsts” are hard. I know this time of the year, the feel and smell of fall, always takes me back to ’92 the year my dad passed from PC, he was 68. It broke me.. but I recovered… or so I thought…. and then one day someone mentioned they had just heard about his death, it was 6 months later, and I burst into tears, at a political function.. had to hide in the ladies room to recover. So, it takes time, and for each one of us, that time is different. Your Mom (and Dad) will be with you forever, the hard part now is remembering her/them without hitting the ground when you do.
Warm thoughts.
~Char
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Char, So true in what you said about the “firsts.” In some way knowing a holiday or special date was coming always brought me anxiety. I would try and anticipate what it would be like…
Somehow you get through it and move onto the “seconds, thirds, and fourths” just a little stronger.
Thinking of all the families today who lost a loved one ten years ago, and to the children who lost a parent. We will always grieve with them.
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Hi Marietta – Thankfully, we all made it through today, didn’t we? Even with the heavy hearts. I must have been humming along with the rest of you. Let mine be a voice for peace. Hang on tight to your love for your Mom & Dad, as well as their love for you. That is the kind of love that will defeat the evil of this world. <3
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Tonight my heart is heavy. I think I have finally accepted that I must put my best friend, my kittie of 20 years, down. I have been nursing him along for months, but know that now is the time. I will try to get him through to Monday and then call my friend Vicky, the vet. Maybe I should do it tomorrow, but I am having a colonoscopy in the morning, and a garage sale to get ready for Sat. morning. I don’t know. I could sure benefit from your prayers for the right decision, timing, and courage.
Mickey has been with me thru thick & thin. He has been my constant companion, cuddler, & confidant for all these years. I can’t imagine life without him, at the moment. One good thing is that we plan to go to Peoria next week – I won’t have to worry (incessantly) about him and it will help to be gone for the first few days without him.
I love you, my Mickey Dee…
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So sorry Joan. I know what it is to face the approaching death of a beloved kitty. We have had 4 cats over the last 35 years and I treasured each one of them. We had to make the decision to put 2 of them down and it was one of the hardest things we’ve ever had to do…but like you said, you know when it is time. I pray for you to find peace in knowing that you are doing the right thing for your best friend. With sympathy from a fellow cat lover, Mary
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Joan; you will be in my thoughts. Only a true animal lover understands the bond and then the heartache when we lose our best friend/child/companion/confidant, etc. It sounds like Mickey Dee is ready but that will not make it easier for you. I will be send you peaceful karma…
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Joan,
Mickey Dee has had a wonderful, mom and friend, and heart is hurting for you today. Just know whatever you decide it will be the right thing. Hoping and praying your test goes well. I am sure your Vet will give you the best advice on your beloved Mickey Dee.
Thinking of you both and sending out a big hugs.
~Char
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It’s now been 2 months and 1 day since I no longer have John with me. At least not physically with me. Some days are OK and I’m fine. I actually laugh sometimes. And some days are so bad I just want to stay in bed. I had a dream a few weeks ago that John was standing in front of me. He looked wonderful, but the most amazing thing was that he was standing! He lost the ability to walk on November 11th and was partially paralyzed the last 2 weeks of his life.
I miss him so much and talk to him often. I tell him about my day and when I visit the cemetary I tell him how our family is doing. There are days – like today – that I still find the situation so surreal. He can’t possibly be gone, can he? When the phone rings, it will be him — won’t it? Oh John, my love, I miss you so and will love you forever.
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Patti,
You have been through so much in the last 2 months, your entire world changed right in front of your eyes. I think the dream you had of John was nothing short of amazing, and I hope it is a comfort to you. I am really hoping you have been able to make time for yourself. Welcome the good days and try to make the best of the bad ones…. time will help, just don’t try to rush things, ok?
~Char
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Dear Patti,
In an earlier reply, Denton said “Peace to you”. That is what I wish for you also. That is what I kept wishing for after losing my husband, Tim. It has been 1 1/2 years now, and most of the surreal quality has FINALLY ebbed. Not to say I don’t still feel a little “foggy” at times. So don’t be surprised by that. I would often stop myself in the middle of something and say “He really is gone” or “He really did die”. My brain knew, but my heart couldn’t catch up to it for a lo-o-ong while.
I am so happy for you that you had the dream about your John. It is something I wish for, but haven’t often had. Also, I think it is wonderful that you are able to talk to him. I hope that is very comforting for you.
Blessings on your courage.
Betsy
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Dear Betsy, your own courage you have is admired as well. It is so good to hear you are finding your way to the surface to breathe after what you’ve been through with losing your Tim. My heart goes out to you too. I’m going to keep you in my thoughts and prayers that your inner peace continues also. God Bless both you and Tim always. ~ Karen
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Dear Karen,
Thanks for your very kind words. They were sweet and thoughtful, and made me feel cared for. Thanks for writing.
Betsy
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Patti, I love those dreams, when our guys are healthy and strong. For the first few years when Dan was in my dreams he had cancer; I knew it and he knew it – we didn’t talk about it, we just both knew it. Now more and more he’s healthy in my dreams and it’s wonderful, I wake up so happy. Be sure to write those dreams down, you’ll love reading them again later on. I have a little journal just for good Dan dreams. It still surprises me when I read an older one that I’d completely forgotten – dreams are slippery.
It does feel surreal. I wonder if that ever goes away? I hope not, because if his passing stops feeling surreal, maybe our life together might start to feel surreal, and that would be the worst. Hang in there, kid. ~ Jean
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Patty; I am so sorry for your pain. As Char said, please give yourself time. Eventually, with the passing of time, it will become a dull ache you will learn to tolerate. Occasionally it will flare up like a sharp, piercing pain, but it will return to the dull ache. The important thing is you hang in there, and be good to yourself! Everyone’s grieving timeline is different; take as much time as you need. And in the meantime, KEEP talking to John!!! He is still with you, listening, and it is great for you! Please take care and check in with us again!
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Dear Patti, I was so so happy to hear about your dream you had of John. I love to hear of these dreams from others. I lost a brother at the young age of 48 to a stroke and we were very close and it was excruciating for me. I’ve managed to suppress my pain of losing him over the last several years, but I still had to take a deep breath and fight off the tears and lump in my throat before writing this. There was a 10 year age difference between us and he was every bit my big brother and we loved each other very much. I wasn’t able to say good-bye to him when he was in the hospital before he passed and afterwards I would think how I wished I could have just hugged him one last time. I dreamt of him one night and we had our hug I wished for and he sat me down to talk with me but I couldn’t really hear his words but I remember just looking at him being so wondrous at how young he looked like back in his 20’s or 30’s. There were so many other unusual occurrences while I wasn’t sleeping after that over the next few months and my sister-in-law, his wife, has many to tell also. Jean’s reference to dreams being slippery is a very good point as others I’ve had have come and gone and I either couldn’t remember them when I woke up or they get forgotten quickly after waking, so a journal is a great idea. The same sister-in-law’s sister lost her husband to diabetes and they had a long time to talk and plan for the future because he was sick for a long time. Their pact after he was to pass was the sign from him would be in the form of a phone call. Well, she had a dream one night and in her dream the phone rang, she picked up, and it was his voice on the other end telling her how beautiful everything was where he was at. She remembers in detail exactly what he said to her in the dream. It was very vivid and clear for her.
We’re here for you Patti to listen and share and hold each other up, peace be with you. God bless both you and your beloved. ~ Karen
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I have the sweetest little story to share that deals with loss & grief. One year ago next month, a young friend of ours died unexpectedly from complications od MD. His story is listed in The Memoriam section under his name, Ronnie Shatto.
It’s been very hard on his mother, this year. Different people would tell her of dreams they had & odd little things that have happened that everybody has believed that Ronnie was doing, to make his spirit felt. His mom would say that she wished that he would do that for her.
Yesterday, she posted this poem on her Facebook page. I’d never heard it before but fell in love with it.
Dandelions From Heaven
Mothers Day is coming…and I wanted to send you a sign…
Something you can tell others…”Is from an angel of mine”.
So I searched the Heavens high and low for that perfect thing..
And low and behold I found it….and a smile I hope it will bring.
So when you look to the Heavens…and see the yellow stars in the sky…
Just think of me…your angel… in the Heavens way up high…
And just imagine those stars…are dandelions up above…
Yes! Dandelions are also in Heaven…,which you know how much I love.
So on this Mothers Day… when you awake and feel blue…
You will notice those yellow stars…are no longer in view…
So just look to the meadows and the dandelions you see….
Are the ones I’ve tossed down this Mothers Day from me!
And when you find a dandelion that has turned from yellow to white…
You’re supposed to make a wish…and then blow with all your might.
For you will be blowing kisses… to me in Heaven above….
And I will be catching them and blowing them back…sent with all my love.
Please know that I am with you…on this Mothers Day…
And also in the days ahead…God and I will never stray…
We will be with you in the morning…when you wake and see the sun..
We will be with you when you say your prayers…when the day is done.
For God and I will never be…very far from your side…
For I can now be everywhere…and God will be your guide…
So…remember when you see dandelions…its your guarantee…
That I am alway close to you….
For dandelions are free to roam…..now just like me.
I will always be with you Mom….
Happy Mothers Day
Love, Your Angel in Heaven
After she posted that poem, she made these following posts:
Ronnie’s Mom: A little angel came to my door tonight and said “you look sad” he then gave me a dandelion . I have never seen this little boy before today!
Ronnie’s Mom: The door was shut and he had to ring the door bell.
Ronnie’s Mom: First real smile I have had in over 11 months.
Isn’t that the sweetest story? I guess Ronnie just had to wait until the right time to send his mom her signal.
Sometimes you wonder whether these things are real but after a while you just have to accept that there just aren’t THAT many things that are coincidences!
Catch ya later.
Denise H.
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Neecie,
I have thought of Ronnie and his family often this year. I am always touched by mothers/families who have been given the extra task of raising a child with disabilities. In Ronnie’s case, his disability turned into an immeasurable ability to touch all of those that knew him, or in my case, knew of him.
It seems fitting to me, that he would arrange for a child to bring his mom a dandelion, and most of all, the smile she had lost the year before. Thank you for sharing her inspirational poem. Hoping that all is well in your world?!
~Char
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I lost my husband 2 weeks ago ~ I feel so lost and alone.
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Oh Patti, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for your loss of your husband. We at DLH understand the lost & lonely feelings. Your life has suddenly changed in an instant. Now you are facing life headfirst, without the support of your greatest supporter. When my Dad died, I remember my Mom being very angry with him for leaving her alone to handle everything by herself. My only comfort to offer you is to hold your memories tight, and tell yourself over & over & over again, that life WILL get better. Please write us anytime. Please reach out, so the alone feeling can be relieved somewhat. You will find your way, in your own time. {{{Big hugs}} I will keep you in my prayers. Joan
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Dear Patti,
What can I say that doesn’t seem old, overused at a time like this…
Joan said it all beautifully, give yourself time to grieve. Lost love can never heal completely, but the scar fades slightly, and there will come a time, when the lump in your throat and tears in your eyes; whenever you think of him, or speak of him, will lessen.
I am truly sorry for your loss, Patti. We are all here for you. Take your time, and remember to treat yourself
gently. Your loss is so new, your pain, loneliness and broken heart need time to heal.
Char
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Dear Patty, I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. Losing your life partner results in such a huge change in your life. It is overwhelming to have to start a new life on your own. Take it easy on yourself and take it slow. I know that there are no words to make you feel better.
I hope you have family and friends to reach out to. They will help to ease this journey for you. My prayers and best wishes to you. Mary
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My sincere condolences, Patti. Care for yourself the way you would a dear friend recuperating from a bad car accident: rest, good food, fresh air, time to heal. You’re still in shock, and will be for some time. Be gentle with yourself and let your grief ebb and flow as it will, with no self-recrimination or expectations. I know you feel like you’re in Hell right now, but it will get easier, I assure you. ~ Jean
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I wish there was something I could do. It hurts a lot. We care. Melisa
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Patti, There are many wonderful people here who have traveled similar roads and they care very much. You are among friends. This site is a place of healing and help. Please get some rest -with help from your doctor if necessary- and eat healthy foods and snacks. Allow yourself some indulgences, but make yourself eat. Second, if you have any regrets you have to forgive yourself and move on. The faster you can do this the better off you will be. None of us are perfect and we’d all like a few “do-overs.” Also, many people won’t know what to say and may say the wrong things. Look past their words to their intentions. If there are people who make it worse for you, stay away from them. Our culture doesn’t have much patience with grief and three months from now some may be wondering why you “haven’t gotten over it.” Time does heal, but a few months isn’t “time.” Finally, the waves of grief will ebb and flow and they may be triggered by a song, a smell, something you see while out milling around or whatever. You never know. Sometimes a wave will come over the bow and hit you pretty hard but just roll with it, the boat won’t sink. -Deep Peace to you.
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Patti,
I’m so sorry! There’s nothing anyone can say to prepare you for your grieving, and no matter how many people are around you, trying to divert your attention from the obvious, it’s just a journey you will travel, no matter how long it takes. You WILL get through if you’ll realize a few things; one of which is that there IS no time frame for grief and no measurement of how much or how little of it you will get at a time!
I went through all that I “thought” was normal and after a year, was fairly back to “normal”, I thought. The issue is, that NORMAL is not the same as it used to be! THAT is normal too! It was just during the last Christmas season that I was in the grocery store and got slapped in the face with a tablespoon full of the grief I thought was fairly well sealed and “done with”. Ben LOVED buying all the Thanksgiving and Christmas food items…..well, he was pretty much a hoarder, so he just loved buying!!! But, he especially loved all the holiday food shopping. Now, mind you…..the FIRST Thanksgiving/Christmas season I went through without him didn’t deal me a dose of this memory. You’d think it would have, if it was going to, huh? So, there I was in the grocery store, and though not broken down, certainly stymied by the raw emotion of loss that surfaced unbidden except by Christmas music playing through cheesy speakers at the grocery store! So, you’ve stepped onto another path and are on a different journey now. There are no itineraries that a travel agent can give you….it’s more like a “do it yourself” trip, where you visit little cubbyholes that no one else sees, find precious little forget-me-nots of warm memories that make you smile and then get caught unexpectedly by a cold and bitter wind of a memory that may send you running for the nearest shelter!
My heart doesn’t still “hurt” from loss, but I STILL take things as they show themselves to ME, not as someone else would dictate as the “appropriate” time or method of dealing with ANYTHING to do with my private journey.
My Ben has been gone now for 2 years, 3 months and 1 day…..and it was just last week that I went to pick out his headstone for the cemetery! It’s okay. Last year wasn’t the right time; NOW was! Blessing or curse, my job keeps me so distracted that I don’t have time to think of much of anything,so my journey may be playing out appallingly slow, but so what? That is what sets MY journey apart from anyone else’s. I sat in the car in the monument parking lot after picking out his headstone, watching the first rain that Texas has seen in months, pour down around me. I don’t remember if I cried inside or out; probably a little of both, but my only point is that is was when MY journey called for it, not etiquette or protocol or any other societal imposition.
Take care of you and deal with what you will WHEN you will.
Accept your blessings…as sometimes they don’t make themselves readily seen, you make need to look out for them. Sometimes they come in ways you’d never imagine; glimmers of hope on the darkest of days.
Praying for your peace,
Marcy
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Dear Marcy,
I think your healing comments to Patti, are written from your soul, and I admire how you are dealing with grief. It is my hope that you continue on your therapeutic passage and come back when you can to let us know where your new journey has taken you. Wishing you beautiful sunny days in Texas and comfy nights filled with your loving memories.
~Char
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Thank you much Lisa, Jean, Char & Debora for your kind words, encouragement, condolences and prayers. It has been rough time saying good-bye, but I guess a positive is that for now anyway, we can have some rest and take a break from the caregiving mode. We are a blessing to each person that travels to this site. I am so happy we are here for each other. Thank you for caring. Joan
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Another loving journey has come to a close. Ron, may you be at peace until we meet again.
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Dear Joan,
I’m so sorry for all you and your family have been through. My heart goes out to you during this time of sorrow. You will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, as you’ve been these last several weeks.
Joan, know that we’re all here for you.
~Lisa
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Joan, Ron is beyond pain and fear, and now you and your family must be gentle with yourselves and with each other as you move into your mourning. My sincere condolences. ~ Jean
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Joan,
So very sorry to read of your loss. Take care of yourself and your family, Ron is at peace, and you and your family deserve a rest.
Thoughts and prayers coming your way.
~Char
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Dear Joan,
I remember well those early days of grief and am so sorry to hear of your loss. I join with the others in sending condolences, but also in doing what we can to wrap our arms around you long distance. I am lifting you up in loving thoughts and prayers and trust that you will find your way, in your own good time. Grief is truly a process and there are many steps, if you will. As others have said, those of us who have made our own journey of grief are here to assure you that you will make it through to better days. Life will still bring you joy.
With warm regards,
Debora
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Joan,
I have read your story. You have all been through so much. May you and your husband feel the peace from the love you were able to give to your husband’s brother-in-law. How fortunate that you were able to help him.
Betsy
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Thank you so much Betsy. 2010 was a very rough year for us for sure, but we are hopeful 2011 will bring better days. You know first hand the heartache, yet the joy that comes with caring for a loved one with very serious health problems.
We are all fortunate. There are so many people in this world who face serious situations all alone, without family or friends to help them through it. How very sad. It is such a priviledge and honor to be part of another’s individual life cycle, don’t you think? I am just in awe when I think about it.
All the best to you Betsy!
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You are so right, Joan-it IS wonderful to participate in the life of another. I’m afraid I don’t always think of it in that way, tho. It is good to be reminded!! And, yes, it is good to have family and friends help us thru our trials (even if there is a lot of “discussion” about the “best” or “correct” way to do things). What I love about DLH is how much this feels like family-I never come here where I don’t go away warmed by the caring of those who take the time to share.
Thanks, Betsy
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Am I on the correct website? You all seem to know each other-is this about feeling sad after caring for someone who died? My husband was a paranoid schizphrenic, and I took care of him in between hospitalizations. Jim had many medical problems, too, so the past 20 years have been awful. Fortunately, my daughters came home and helped as much as they could, until their dad died from a stroke last April. I’m just missing Jim now, even though life with him was rough. Has anyone else here felt the same way?
Eileen W.
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Also, I am elderly and not very with it when it comes to computers, so please let me know if I should be typing on some other area on this site. I think I’m just lonely now that all of my kids have left after the holidays, and I am in my house all alone again in the winter.
Eileen
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Welcome Eileen,
As Joan stated you are in the right place, this site is for all caregivers; past, present, future, and all who have loved and lost. In other words, this site is for anyone who would like to offer help, needs help, or just would like someone to listen and or send out a hug.
You said you are elderly, but age doesn’t matter here at DLH, we are all in this together.
I am sorry for the loss of your husband, 20 years is a long time to care for someone.
And with his passing comes a void, even thou the caregiving was extremely difficult, at least he was there, I know how you feel. And then of course, the holiday season, although one of joy, it leaves us with feelings of depression and loneliness. I think that’s only natural, especially after your daughters just leaving.
But you know what Eileen, we are here for you, believe me…24/7 most all days.
Jean Fogelberg has created and designed this beautiful, helpful, caring and sharing site for all to feel at home, and never to feel alone.
And to answer your first question, YES… Eileen you have come to the right place, and I am glad you did. Please come back often, we would like to know how you are doing . My thoughts are with you on this cold day(at least in CT) and hoping you are staying warm.
~Char
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ps: Eileen, I think you have very good computer skills!
~Char
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Eileen – You are in the right place. Welcome! It sounds like you are well acquainted with caregiving, and that is what this site is all about. Of course you are missing your husband! Even though caregiving is demanding and very hard at times, we do it because we love the person. We do everything in our power to help them, and a lot of the time it is at our expense.
I think you may have a lot to share with everyone here. After you have been here awhile, and depending how active you decide to be, you will soon learn all about us. There are many on DLH that we don’t know very well at all and that is okay. If it helps you just to check in and see what everyone else is saying that is good too!
I am sorry you are feeling lonely. There are those of us who understand and want you to know we are here for you.
Hope you come back again! Joan
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Dearest Joan and Char,
Thought I’d cover you both with one writing
I am feeling more energized this morning, as Sundays have always been hard for me. It’s not easy to forget the ritual that Jim and I had when he was still well-church in the morning, followed by brunch/buffet, and then a well-deserved nap!! Char, you are right that my family leaving after Christmas made this weekend especially rough. Yes, 20 years is a long time to care for someone, and it was downright tough at times, but I wouldn’t do anything too much differently.
But the new year is starting, and I feel lucky to have a small group of lady friends. We really support each other, some of us have lost husbands, some of us have our own illnesses, and what not. Now that “The Bachelor” is starting again tonight, the show becomes one of our weekly social highlights-no worse than a soap opera! We go to each others’ homes, have a glass of red wine, and feast on some good snacks.
Thank you both again for just letting me know that you are here to listen and for your kind words!! I didn’t expect to hear from anyone so soon. You young ladies are good and very thoughtful. I’ll have to mention this to my daughter who is a social worker. She is the person who told me about this website, and I’m sure she’ll be impressed!
Love,
Eileen
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Hi Again Eileen,
Great to hear from you too! I think it is great that you and your lady friends get together each week and with wine and goodies, I am there!!!
Eileen, you still need time to heal after your loss, and although we never forget, time, family, and friends help us get by, but give yourself lots of time, and take care of you, now!
I am hoping you will keep in touch, and please thank your daughter for telling you about this site. If you don’t mind me asking, how did your daughter find out about DLH? I think it is so exciting that the word is getting out and about.
Jean will be so very happy to hear this too, at this time her internet service is down.
Eileen glad you are here with us, and lets both say hello to a healthy 2011.
~Char
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Hi Char,
No need to worry about me taking care of myself. I meet w/my minister a couple of times a month, and my daughter (social worker) helped me find a good grief counselor, who is better than I had even expected. My doctor makes sure I get plenty of rest, exercise, and eat well. I’m still on an antidepressant, but it seems to help, so whatever. I think I mentioned I found out about this website from my daughter. She loved Dan Fogelberg’s music in the 1970′s and somehow stumbled upon the caregivers site. She said it might be a good way to vent my feelings. Off to get groceries now!
Thanks,
Eileen
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Eileen, welcome, welcome…I’m so glad you found your way to us. As you’ve discovered, we’re a caring group, here to support any caregiver in need of advice or just an ear. I’ll be writing more once my internet is fixed and I don’t have to impose on my neighbor to check email (and…I forgot to bring my glasses!). ~ Jean
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Dear Eileen;
As Char said, you are on the correct site! Welcome! Care giving for a paranoid schizophrenic is an incredible feat, in and of itself. Adding to that, medical conditions?!! You have my total admiration and respect! You will find many people on this site; some currently ‘in’ the care giving journey, some having completed the journey and still mourning, and some professionals. EVERYONE has something to share and add:) You too, will eventually get “to know” regulars if you continue to join us:) I believe you are the first person to post whom has taken care of a paranoid schizophrenic. You experience and knowledge will be incredibly helpful to anyone who is also struggling with that condition. Hope you continue to visit!
I am assuming you were very busy taking care of your husband. Were you able to maintain many of your close relationships and activities during this time? I would encourage you to do something for YOU. Maybe join a seniors exercise class (which does wonders for depression), or a card group. Anything that might interest or stimulate you and involves others. It sounds like your hands have been so full the past 20 years; hopefully you will do something for you!
PS: I am “young” and it appears your computer skills are much better than mine:)
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Hello Lynn,
Actually, I am 83 years old, and I have 3 sisters who live in the same town-ages 85, 80, and 78. I also have 2 brothers in their 70′s and 2 siblings who are deceased. I’m in 2 of the same card clubs (bridge) as one of my sisters, so that keeps me socially and mentally active.
What can I say? My husband had some ancestors who were thought to be rather “odd”, but of course schizophrenia was not diagnosed back then. The schizophrenia and depression came on gradually in adulthood, as Jim began to do things like accusing me of having an affair w/someone else. My 2 oldest sisters did not live here at the time, and I was not that close to my other 3 sisters, so it was hard to find someone to talk to . In a small town-we lived in the country then-you learn to keep your mouth shut, or people gossip.
Fortunately, my 3 oldest daughters work in health care and stepped in to give me advice, etc. Jim ended up in a university hospital often and on at some point, he had ECT therapy and received medications like Haldol, etc. Really, when he was back home, he generally became more and more subdued (as the ECT and medications took their effects), so it wasn’t that difficult to care for him. We had a visiting nurse come in (that helped a lot w/the physical tasks) and my one daughter-in-law who lives nearby is also a social worker and was a huge help.
One of my nieces (a sister’s daughter) also worked in psychiatry at the same times Jim was hospitalized. In fact, she-through no fault of the staff-went to check on Jim right after one of his ECT’s. She was just orienting and of course was upset when she realized that she was checking up on her uncle, whose name she’d not been given. It was very upsetting for her to see Jim in this condition, and of course the staff felt very badly. I hadn’t told my sisters that Jim was in the hospital at that time, so my niece, bless her heart, wouldn’t have been expecting to see him. However, during Jim’s future stays, she did visit him as frequently as she could. She described him as “gorked out” in general when she visited him. The medications are VERY potent.
I have to stop now….this is getting to me. It was a hell of a life for Jim when he was an older adult-and it was hell for me, too-but hopefully continued research will help us to better understand and treat schizophrenia.
Love,
Eileen
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Stupid thing to add, but I actually have 3 siblings who are deceased (There were 9 of us all together). I’m so sorry that I forgot to mention our baby sister, Judy, who was only 65 when she died. Judy was really loved by her sisters/brothers and her nieces and nephews. Judy was always “cool” to my kids, because she grew up in the 50′s and 60′s.
Eileen
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Hi Eileen;
I am SO happy to hear you are in card clubs and stay socially active. Especially since you explained you live in a small town and people “gossip”. I understand EXACTLY what you are saying; I grew up in a town of 1,100 people. One learned to be very “tight-lipped” or the entire town would know the info within a few days:)
Thank you SO much for also sharing about your struggle with your husband’s schizophrenia. It is wonderful you are able to talk about it; you can truly educate people on how difficult and horrible this disease is! And yes, it IS a disease, and thankfully people are beginning to understand it is a disease process!
As Char explained, our bios are listed in the “private conversations” at the side of the page. You are wise to be cautious! I am a Therapist/Counselor and have worked with paranoid schizophrenics—I fully understand when you said it was hell for Jim and you. From my professional experience, probably a darker hell for you since you were fully aware of what was happening and receiving the brunt of the paranoia. You have my admiration and respect for hanging in there for 20 years. For a marriage to survive this diagnosis is quite a will a testament to you!
After caregiving in such a way, I believe you will have words of wisdom for the DLH website; it is great to have you on here!
Take Care!
Lynn
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Hello Lynn,
Boy, you are perky…that’s great!! Glad to hear you’ve worked with paranoid schizophrenics. Yes, in a small town there can be a lot of ignorance, and there are many things my sisters don’t even know. It was hard on my kids, of course, but they’re tough and bright. I’ll pop in periodically, but for now I need to clean house for card club tomorrow! I’ll make sure I read all of your bios.
Have a good day,
Eileen
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By the way, since senior citizens seems to get scammed online frequently, I’d just like to know a little bit about who you are-Char, Joan, and Lynn. Are you counselors, do you work for hospice? Have any of you been caregivers for family members? Just want to know with whom I’m corresponding.
Eileen
P.S. I said I don’t have the best skills when it comes to computers, but my command of the Engish language/grammar is quite good
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Hi Again Eileen
Now that is a great question, and really something you should ask…
Me, I am just your regular everyday person, who is caregiver to my husband, with various health problems and also to my 90 yr old mom. You can read my story under ” CM-husband with prostate cancer, diabetes ,,,, etc.
and also under “Private Conversations”.
Jean has set up explanations under this category, (private conversations) for those caregivers who are not entirely comfortable in putting their story out there, for all to read.
I am glad you asked these questions, you are one “on top of it and with it” lady
~Char
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Eileen,
I should have added the stories (which include my story re: caregving)are on the left side of this page under “Our Stories”. The “Private Conversations” details are listed at the top of the page, right under the Don’t Lose Heart logo. You will also find Lynn listed under “Private Conversations”
As I mentioned before, Jean would be here responding but she is having internet connection problems that may not be repaired for a few more days.
~Char
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Hi Eileen- I am an ordinary person just like Char;-). (however, I believe everyone here is extraordinary!). I have been a caregiver several times in my life (I am 53) and continue to have people (and animals) that need some level of care. It has been a rough year for my husband & I. I have not done a “My Story” yet – I haven’t had a lot of time plus I don’t think I am ready to revisit everything. But I have shared many times. My Mom is 95 and is in pretty good health, living alone. My Mom is 90 with an aneurisym (sp?)behind her heart. I expect I will be caregiver for most of my life. I am hoping to retire next year – that will help! Hope this helps relieve your mind a little bit. Joan
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My heart is breaking again. Ronald is hanging on between life and death. He went downhill greatly during Christmas after his brain surgery. Please pray for our family as we make some hard choices, once again. I would choose years of caregiving rather than say goodbye, but the choice is not in my hands. And I desperately want to be there to hold his hand and tell him that I love him and tell him to fight. My husband wants me to stay home to be here for his adult daughter as she will not take it well. She does not want to face the reality. I am so torn and my husband is alone with Ron. Why does life have to be so difficult at times???
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Joan,
So very sorry to hear this news, and of course will keep Ronald in my thoughts and prayers, along with your entire family. I know how hard it is not to be able to be with Ron, at this time, but it sounds like you are very much needed at home. Sometimes, we as daughters
can not face the fact that our “big, strong” Dad is ill and dying. I found it very difficult to see my father at the final stages. Maybe your husband is right, and you can do so much more for her at home. My thoughts are with you. Yes, life can be difficult, but there is always hope.
~Char
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Thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers, Char. I am sure the same applies to a big, strong uncle as well. I am claiming the hope during this difficult time. It is what is keeping me a little sane at this time
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Hi Joan,
Just a short note to let you know I am thinking of you and your family. When you get a moment,please drop us a line and let us know how things are going. Thoughts and prayers coming your way.
~Char
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Thanks for checking in Char. Things are deteriorating. Ronald is in surgery right now to try & control infection in his cranium. If he makes it through tonight he will need another surgery Sat or we will place him in Hospice. We have two storm fronts coming through preventing travel for the next 2-3 days. This is disconcerting as I will not be able to get there to relieve my poor husband. He is so very tired and so very stressed. So I am handling the home front with bills, Andrew’s estate, snow removal, etc.
I pray your life is becoming a little more serene and you are getting some well deserved rest. Joan
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Dearest Joan,
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with so much stress and loss this past fall and winter. I know how much Andrew meant to you, and for Ronald’s condition to surface shortly after Andrew’s death would be a lot for anyone to bear. Especially during a holiday season, which is meant to be a happy, joyous time. If there are times when Ronald is still lucid, would your husband be willing to convey your message of love for you? Or could your husband even call you during a time when Ronald is “with it”, so that you could tell Ronald this directly? I know that when one of my favorite aunts was dying from ovarian cancer a few years ago, we lived too far away to visit her. So I called her and my uncle and tearfully let them know how much I loved both of them and that I was praying for my aunt Barb. I’m so glad I made that call, Joan, because that night-for whatever reason-Barb wanted to sleep outside in a tent w/my Uncle Joe, so that she could see the stars. She passed away overnight, but I’d had the chance to bid her a loving farewell, and that is something I will always feel good about having done. My mom later told me that Joe had expressed to her that my call meant so much to him and Barb.
It does sound like Ronald’s daughter could use a loving female around to support her, especially if Ronald dies. I know that she and you would both love for Ronald to pull through this, but realistically the odds may not be in your favor. I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but Ronald was obviously not living a quality life prior to his surgery. He was unable to care for himself, was living in filth, etc., and that’s not what you would really want for him I’m sure. As you wrote today, the choice is not in your hands, so keep us posted, Joan. I hope that you and Ronald’s daughter are able to provide each other with comfort at this difficult time. So sorry for you in this situation.
Love & Prayers,
Ann
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Hi Ann – thanks for your response and love. I am so glad you were able to tell your aunt a loving good-bye. I am sure it the memory means so much to you. I wish I could do the same, but it is not to be. Apparently though Ron was with it enough for a few minutes this afternoon to jokenly ask how long this dying stuff took.
The majority of Ron’s health problems and living situation was caused by the tumor. It changed his abilities and personality. He is a very fastidious person. He was more himself the next few days after surgery than he had been for awhile. He aspirated when they were feeding him and he now has an infection and lung damage.
Thank you for your prayers!
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Hi Joan,
I certainly understand that Ron’s health problems were the cause of him not being to take care of himself and his surroundings. It sounds like with both your stepdaughter and husband, there are some unresolved feelings surrounding the death of your husband’s first wife. Maybe in the coming year, the three of you could get some group and/or individual counseling (??). Even if just you are willing and able to-if your insurance covers counseling-I’d go for it. It seems you are dealing with so many understandably difficult feelings and emotions, and perhaps too much is being expected of you. I don’t know all of the details, so I can’t comment any further. Please just know that I care very much, Joan
I hope that 2011 will give you more reason(s) to smile!!
God Bless,
Ann
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Thank you Ann.
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Joan, I’m sorry too. With such a large tumor, the surgery must have been quite a shock to his brain. You said Ronald is your brother-in-law, is he your husband’s brother? If he is, perhaps it would be better to let your husband be the one to hold Ronald’s hand until the end. If not, for some reason your husband wants to do this for him, himself. You did say he cleaned Ron’s house, so he obviously feels a need to do something for Ron. You both have been under so much stress and are so tired, perhaps you could just acquiesce this time and tell your husband that you’ll spell him if he needs to come home and sleep. Take him some good food now and then and just support him emotionally. It sounds as though Ron may move on soon, and as sad as that is, you can’t stop it from happening if he’s ready to go. You can, however, strengthen the foundation of your marriage by being supportive at a time when your husband needs you to be. Tough choices, always. ~ Jean
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Hi Jean – you are so right by saying the surgery must have been a shock to his brain. It was so much that he suffered a stroke sometime after. I would love to take your advice word by word, but it is not possible being 180 miles away. I could take care of him if he had let me come out. That is a lot of the pain I feel right now, because I am not in a position to help, to be a partner. He is trying to protect me because of all the stress we have had, he knows how tired I am. But he is not realizing how his controlling my choices and his daughter’s choices are making a difficult situation even more difficult. Tough choices, indeed. Sigh …
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Oh, Joan, that’s sweet, that he’s trying to protect you, it’s too bad he can’t see the difficult situation such a nice gesture is creating. Thanks for clarifying for us – it’s tempting to write back just asking a bunch of questions but we know you’re not looking for more questions, so we just go with what we do know when we reply. I guess it really wouldn’t matter who Ron is related to, you obviously were close and fond of each other. It’s too bad he didn’t ask for your help sooner, I know you would have given it, but for some reason that’s really difficult for some men. People. No, men. So now you have two men you really want to help and you’re sitting at home twiddling your thumbs. I can see why you’re feeling so frustrated! ~ Jean
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Thank you for understanding, Jean.
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Hi Joan,
Ann again. How far away from you is the hospital where Ronald is a patient? I was thinking you’re in Minnesota, and Ronald lives in South Dakota (??). Is this part of the reason that you have to stay home? I was just trying to sort out the logistics…
Love,
Ann
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Just to clarify a few things. Ronald is my husband’s late wife’s bachelor brother. He is my stepdaughter’s uncle. My stepdaughter is 33 with an 8 year old son. Ronald is the one who welcomed me into the family with open arms and we have a very close relationship.
Ron and my husband are in Rapid City SD and my stepdaughter and I are in Pierre SD, 180 miles away. I was in Brookings with my family for Christmas (200 miles the opposite direction from Pierre) and was told today to get home as soon as I could. I wasn’t planning to get home until Monday evening. I thought she & I, or at least I would be heading to RC this afternoon when my husband surprised me by telling me to come only if she comes along. She won’t go. My husband doesn’t want his daughter to be alone just in case she falls apart (she suppresses her feelings & has never really dealt with the death of her mother). She will be going to RC tomorrow to pick up our grandson. I have asked to go along but all I got was silence, so I expect that I will be staying home. She doesn’t reach out and I really doubt she will now.
So I am sitting here by myself, worrying and crying, isolated, looking at all of Ron’s presents under the tree, for the next 1 1/2 days until I go back to work. I want to be there for my husband and for Ron when he passes. It is extremely important to me to be there. But to my husband, his daughter is the only important one here and that decision is causing problems on all sides. Every bone in me tells me it is the wrong decision. I am supporting my husband by doing as he asked but I can feel the resentment build as the day goes on. I have talked to my mother who knows and loves everyone involved. She is hurting for me as she understands all sides. I only mention this because she also thinks I should have gone.
I guess a possible shortcoming of this type of communication is that the whole story and all the nuances are not understood by the reading audience
We will have to see how everything shapes up as time goes on. I appreciate all the responses – it does help me feel less alone right now. I really need that. 
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Joan,
Sorry for the misunderstanding of your family dynamic,just know we are here for you, as you carry out your husband’s wishes, for you and his daughter. Sometimes things don’t go the way we want them to. It’s a very hard time of the year, for all of this to be going on, but Ronald’s well being is at hand, and it sounds like your husband has that covered,for the time being. Tomorrow in the light of day, things may look different to all concerned. I wish you a good nights rest.
~Char
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Joan, What a difficult time for you! You have so many emotions whirling through you and the emotions of others to manage also.. It sounds like your mother is a good sounding board for you. It seems that your husband is making decisions he believes are best right now. I am sure he doesn’t want to shut you out, but needs you to help guide your daughter, who is also struggling in her own way. You are providing such care for your family. You may not physically be at the hospital, but all your positive thoughts of comfort are right by Ron’s side. I agree with Char’s wisdom and know that the Ron, the person you love, is being cared for at the hospital. I think you have some time off and I hope you will rest and try to take each day as it comes. Take care, Joyce
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What a tough weekend this has been. Our dear friend Andrew passed away early Saturday morning. Everything went so quickly considering it was ALS, which I guess is a blessing in the long run. My heart is so heavy and I miss him dearly already. He started out being a co-worker whom I liked, but did not know that well, to a very, very dear member of my family. We were able to be with him through the rough night and tell him over and over again that we loved him. So Andrew, “be on your way” and I will see you “somewhere along the road”. I love you. Joan
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Dear Joan,
I am very sorry for your loss. I am sure Andrew’s passage was made so much easier having you by his side. He knew how much you loved him, up until the end, and now beyond.
The poem “All Is Well” by Henry Scott Holland, that Jean has posted above, was a comfort to me, when I lost one of my best friends, hope it helps you as well.
With sympathy.
~Char
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This poem indeed does help. Thanks for your support Char. It means so much to know that someone really is here listening and does care.
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Dear Joan,
I’m so sorry to hear of the passing of your “gentle soul”, as you referred to Andrew. I realize that he held a very special place in your and your families heart, since he had a challenging childhood making it to the US from Lithuania. How wonderful that he was so fortunate to get to know you and your family, and that he was welcomed into your family as such. I’m sure your presence in his last hours did reassure him.
You will likely have people-with good intentions-say things like, “You must feel relieved that Andrew is no longer in pain.” However, you will also feel grief-a heavy heart and missing him-as you’ve mentioned. Let the tears flow, Joan, and know that it’s very normal and healthy to grieve. Is there someone in your family who will listen to you and understand? Or perhaps another close friend or minister?
I would really encourage you to mourn in the manner that feels most comforting to you-talking to someone who is genuinely supportive, writing your feelings in a journal, perhaps framing a couple of special pictures of Andrew-things that will help you express your grief. You’ve probably seen the stones that have inspirational messages on them…maybe you could find a couple that are especially meaningful to you and place them in a special place in your yard. Just a few suggestions
Please keep writing to us Joan, especially as it gets closer to Thanksgiving. Just get through these first few days and do what you need to care for yourself for a change. Please know you have my sympathy, my thoughts & prayers. You seem to have a strong faith, Joan, so lean on that to carry you right now as well.
Much love,
Ann
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My Dear Ann, Ann, Ann – you always know the right words to say. Your support through this website means more to me than you know. Thanksgiving is going to be tough because I was really planning on Andrew being here to meet some of our other friends.
After work tonight, I stayed and had a major cry. I finally had some alone time as I did not have Andrew on my to do list. It hit pretty hard. I put on some Dan and I cried hard for the both of them. With my Dad dying about the same time as Dan, getting married, and a whole lot of other stuff, I guess I hadn’t fully grieved Dan either.
Again, thanks for sharing yourself and caring about me. YOU are an angel.
Much love back, Joan
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Dear Joan,
I’m so glad that my words helped you feel at least a bit better
I forgot to say that, in addition to friends, family, etc., we are ALWAYS here at DLH to listen to you. So please DO keep us posted on how you are doing-write as frequently as you need 
We all just want to help you through this difficult time in your life. I am thinking of and praying for you, Joan….
God Bless,
Ann
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Hi again, Joan-
I just noticed that you mentioned that you not longer have Andrew on your “to do” list….and this hit you pretty hard. I have frequently read that this is such a common response for caregivers after a death. Many people would think you would feel only relief. After all, you no longer have this taxing job on your hands. However, much of your life, as you knew it, was caring for Andrew. And that is no longer part of your life, and this is a loss, a void in your life.
I know that when my Uncle Clarence died, my Aunt Vera mentioned early on that she actually missed the routine of caring for Clarence on a daily basis. Vera had been a practicing RN for at least 45 years, so her caregiving came had come to an end, and this was a loss for her. In time, you will fill the void, but for now, Joan, understand that this sadness is quite normal and typical
With Love,
Ann
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I’m so sorry that you have lost your dear friend, Andrew, Joan. It is beautiful to hear about how your friendship developed, eventually to the point that you were able to minister to him during this very difficult time with his ALS, and then be with him as he passed through this life.
May you be graced with blessings as you deal with this new phase in the caring of Andrew–the grieving of his loss.
Betsy
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I have not posted here before, but I have come here often in the last several months as I cared for my sweet mom. She was diagnosed with cancer in October 2009 and it had already invaded her liver and pancreas and she was 87 at the time so they, thankfully, allowed her the dignity to just live and be under the care of hospice rather than try to treat it in any way since it would be futile. Her fragile physical condition at her age would’ve only deteriorated more quickly if they had done anything else. She had a wonderful attitude and spirit, she took this all as good news, she was happy that hospice came to her and she didn’t have to go to doctors anymore, and she lived each day to the fullest and did not get depressed or dread the end at all. I became her full-time caregiver and moved in with her in January, and then moved her into my home in July when her air-condition went out. We live in Texas so an AC is a necessity. She passed away here in my home on August 31st. She went just as I had prayed she would…she had good quality of life right up until the end, and then when the quality ended, she went very, very quickly and did not seem to suffer any pain. My brother and I were each holding one of her hands and telling her we loved her as she breathed her last, and I also had that honor with my dad in 2003.
Anyway…I have been grieving more the last few weeks than I did the whole first month after she passed. I think it’s because life has gotten “back to normal” now in most ways, and yet it’s not normal at all. It’s almost like in my mind she has gotten well and gone back home, (which, she has!), but she is not there and it hits me like a brick in the face every time I think about it. I miss her so much. The healthy and happy mom that I’ve taken care of for the last 10 years, and who filled my every moment for the last year.
She was such a blessing to all who knew her. Her name was Grace and she embodied that name in a perfect sense. She was the quintessential mother and friend to me, and she wanted nothing more than to leave her kids and grandkids happy and healthy and not ruining their lives with tears and sorrow. But I know from all that I’ve read and the Grief Support Group that hospice provided that just ended, that I have to go through this in my own way, my own time, and not stop the tears or the thoughts and memories. I want to heal and I know that this is the way to healing.
I have found solace and support here so many times in the last year just from reading the many stories and poems and comments. I was unable to write then, it would’ve made it too real and I guess I was trying to avoid it in some way, but now I am able to write and reach out and receive the compassion and help that others can give me from their own experience.
Jean, if you read this…I am 56 years old and became a lifelong fan of Dan’s in 1975 when a friend introduced me to his Souvenirs album. I never got the chance to see him perform live, but I have loved his music and followed his life as best I could from afar. I hungered for anything I could find out about him because his words touched me so deeply. I am a poet and a loner and a lover of the mountains, and I guess he influenced me more than any other artist. I sometimes see his subtle influence come out through my own poems. I used to write to him on the website before he died, and I also sent my condolences there, and sent some emails to you there that I hope you received, about how glad I am that he had you. I often go to the website and look at your special private photography and read your stories behind each picture. Your words here have helped me, especially your poem about mothers. God bless you!
I just wanted you to know how much you have meant to me through this ordeal, and even before it, but to thank you personally for having this caregiver website where you and others provide invaluable help to those of us who desperately need it.
Rhonda
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Dearest Rhonda,
My thoughts are with you at this time as you cope with the loss of your wonderful Mom, Grace. Your love and caring for her up until the end is something to be proud of.I realize you wrote your comments to Jean, so I hope you will not mind me saying how sorry I am for your loss. I can not imagine the pain you are feeling, she was not only your Mom, but your best friend. It is my hope you will be able to take time for yourself to heal and do things that make you feel alive and happy again, when you feel able to.
I hope you come back to DLH often, and let us know how you are doing.
With much sympathy
Char
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Thank you so much Char. My comments weren’t just to Jean, I was just hoping she would also see them, but I was writing for anyone to read. This website has really been a blessing to me, past and present, and I’m sure it will continue to be into the future because this hurt is going to take a lot of healing.
Rhonda
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Rhonda, we’re open 24/7, take time and heal, we never close!
~Char
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Rhonda – What a truely sweet gal you are. Your honest heart comes pouring through with every word. I am so sorry about you having to lose your wonderful mother. It sounds like her life, and her death, was just how it was meant to be. How rewarding. I am glad you have found solace here at DLH, and in Dan’s music. You will have to somehow find the way to a new normal, but your Mom and Dad’s love will always be with you. Bless you. Joan
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Rhonda,
I am sorry for the loss of your dear mother. I don’t think it’s unusual to be grieving now more than you did at first. Life keeps us numb in the beginning, I believe to protect us as we get used to the idea of our loss. I think that “getting used to” can take a long time, much longer for our hearts than our minds.
So wonderful to hear a daughter speak of what a blessing her mother was to everyone. That’s not always the case, you know. So happy for you that you had such a wonderful mother and that you enjoyed your time with her. What a beautiful story. I hope your sweet memories crowd out your sadness, helping to heal your heart.
Betsy
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Hi Betsy & Rhonda,
I think you’re so correct, Rhonda, about how our mind and heart insulate us, so that we don’t have to deal with grief all at one time. Everyone mourns at their own pace in their own way. There is no “normal” when it comes to grief.
Betsy, I am so glad that your mother had a peaceful death, with you and your brother each taking one of her hands. Very touching
Hang in there, and keep us informed of how you are doing…
Love,
Ann
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Hi everyone,
Will you please say your prayers, etc. for the following people? First, a high school classmate of mine whose cancer has spread substantially after an initial diagnosis of colon cancer. Second, an older gentleman who had a primary diagnosis of colon cancer. His cancer has metastisized to his liver, and he’s having surgery that I believe is called a liver resection. The surgeons will attempt to remove any malignant tumors. My siblings and I attended school with this man’s daughter and two of his sons, so we feel just awful. He is normally a very funny guy, but Mom said he was quite sober today when their “senior group” met for coffee. I’m sure he’s scared and apprehensive. Your thoughts, prayers, and concern will mean a great deal.
Love,
Ann
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Ann, will surely lift you all up in prayers. I so detest the word cancer and how evil it is. Keep positive thoughts, and keep us posted on how everyone is doing. Blessings-susan
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Ann, will lift you all up in prayers for sure. I detest the word cancer more and more and the evil it stands for. Stay positive, keep the faith. Please let us know how everyone is doing. Blessings-Susan
PS-Fall has finally found her way to Florida. Finally have the doors and windows wide open and cool temps!! Happy Fall Y’All!!
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Ann, yes, I remember that day clearly and I remember my tears for a life again lost way too soon and the family he left behind. Sara MacLaughlin’s (spelling) “Angel” and “I will Remember you” always bring a tear to my eye. I remember when JFK JR and his wife were lost in that plane crash, seems like “I will Remember You” was played constantly and I seem to have identified with that. And I say kudos to your Mom on loving Patrick Swayze. Many tears shed over the loss of this fine man and actor. Sorry you were feeling sad though. Been there, done that following a funeral Friday for a friend of mine whose mother passed with Alzheimers. Unfortunately, Connie’s mind left her long before her body gave up the ghost and it was very sad, long and drawn out for my friend and her family. We will just continue to cherish our memories. As I sit here getting my work done and out of the way for the day, I hear Dan’s sweet voice in the background and always brings me such peace and comfort. Have a wonderful weekend!! BTW, 105 degrees here in Central Florida and has been for the last 6 weeks. I am melting, melting!! LOL!!
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I have been feeling a heaviness and sadness in my heart this evening-that I hadn’t felt for almost 15 years. While scanning some of your Lyrical Quotes, I noticed the lyrics to Eric Clapton’s “Tears in Heaven”. Love that song….too bad it was inspired by the accidental death of Clapton’s son.
Anyway, “Tears in Heaven” kind of reminds me of Sarah McLachlan’s song, “I Will Remember You”. I hadn’t heard the latter song for quite awhile, but generally I now associate it with the Russian figure skater, Ekaterina (“Katia”) Gordeeva. Some of you may remember that Katia and her husband, Sergei Grinkov, were famous pairs skaters. They took home Olympic gold medals in 1988 and also 1994 (Lillehammer, Norway). The ’94 Olympics got us hooked on figure skating for the next 10 years. My husband was thrilled that those Olympic games were held in Norway (He’s half Norwegian), and our older daughter was born on Feb. 10th, 2 days before the Olympics started. We spent many an evening rocking Allison (daughter) while we watched the events; figure
skating was huge that year, because of the arranged attack on Nancy Kerrigan by Tanya Harding. Like many, we ate it up, and figure skating gained the respect it was due.
During the next decade, our family attended 3-4 different major figure skating events, including 2 Stars on Ice shows. We thoroughly enjoyed each performance, but what stands out most about the art/sport is the sudden, untimely death of 28-year-old Sergei Grinkov (Nov. 20, 1995). While practicing with Katia and other Stars on Ice performers, Sergei collapsed and died of a heart attack. That death really got to me, because Sergei was so young, and he left behind a beautiful wife and young daughter. We had really enjoyed Katia and Sergei’s Olympic performances, and I was just crushed that less than 2 years later, we lost such a talented, loved young man. One of the first songs that Katia skated to when she returned to the sport (solo) was “I Will Remember You”. It was a tear-jerking performance for me and many of the people in the TV audience.
If any of you enjoy figure skating as much as I do, I’d recommend the book, My Sergei and/or Scott Hamilton’s autobiography. Thanks to all for letting me express myself, as I no longer feel sad
It’s strange how the death of someone we don’t really know-and haven’t met-can still cause us to grieve. Much like I felt after learning of Dan’s death….Have a good weekend all!!
~Ann
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OK, I’m definitely over my mini episode of “re-grieving”, so the next thing I post will be fun….I promise!!! Have a great day
~Ann
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NO apologies necessary Ann. Just know we are always here to listen.
Susan
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Hi Ann. My Mom & I are both fans of figure skating too. She is also a total freak over “Dirty Dancing” (& Patrick Swayze). She is 76 years old & has worn out 3 VHS tapes of it & now has 3 different DVDs of it. I told her that she could probably play every part by memory!
I loved Katia’s book! I can never remember the date that Sergei died but I always know that it was in late November, close to Thanksgiving. I haven’t read Scott’s book but I really should do that. I love to watch him skate. I also used to love to watch Robin Cousins skate. His arms & legs were so long that it was fun to watch.
Do you remember hearing about the members of the US Figure Skating Team who were killed in a plane crash in Belgium, February 1961 (18 skaters)? I read Senator Edward Kennedy’s autobography (“True Compass”) last fall & he mentioned that one of the male skaters (Dudley Richards) who was killed had been his college roommate at Harvard.
“I Will Remember You” actually reminds me of JFK Jr. I heard it played quite a few times when they were paying tribute to him after his death.
Take care & stay COOL!!!
Denise H
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Girls, I can’t believe the ice skating topic has come up. I always loved the song
“With You I’m Born Again”… and will never ever forget the great Robin Cousins at the Olympics skating so very beautifully to it. Loved Katia and Sergei so very sad…
The song “I will Remember You” had just come out when my good friend died of breast cancer at 44, we had the song played at her service. To this day, I can not listen to it without feeling sad.
Hope you all are cooler then Connecticut.
~Char
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NO WE ARE NOT CHAR!!! I HATE SUMMER!!!
Neecie
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Our high in this part of Iowa was about 94 degrees yesterfay….plus it was REALLY humid!! I could tolerate this weather WAY BETTER 20 years ago than I can now-probably because I was still a big sun worshiper back then. Just wait-come January, some of us will be complaining about the awful winter we are having
~Ann
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Yesterfay???!!!! I think I just coined a new word that can only be used when you’re discussing yesterday w/your friend, Fay-HA!!!
Ann
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Denise, I am so over summer. When I lived in NY, I would cry when summer ended and Labor day rolled around. I would literally go into a deep depression because I hated winter so much. I moved to Florida and the first few years were so great. Now, at 54, I realize it is not so great and I cry at the first high temps signaling a long hot summer. I will kiss the ground and shout hallelujah when fall arrives. The first day we dip below 70 I will be doing my happy dance; alas, that will not be for at least another 3-4 months
. Why did I move to Florida again? Oh yea right, to escape the frigid winters of NY and the snow. Duh, think I will take cooler temps now. I was a kid, what did I know? LOL!! Here’s to keeping cool everyone!
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Hi Susan! Oh, I’ll gripe about winter too when the temperature is @ zero & it is icy out. I’m an equal opportunity weather griper! I don’t mind snow (as long as the city doesn’t plow my driveway in, which they always do), I just don’t like ice, especially black ice! THAT terrifies me (I almost wrecked on it once & it made a believer out of me). I HATE the bitter cold.
I like it when the temperature is @ 72 degrees! It CAN be a little hotter but MY rules are that it must be windy then too!
We had a nasty little storm here this afternoon. Of course the Weather Channel was showing movies & didn’t give any warnings. We had hail about the size of a quarter & some really BIG wind gusts. In fact, one of the gusts blew the top piece off of our chimney & into the neighbors yard! Lots of tree limbs & wires down. But it cooled it off…HOORAY!!!
Fall is my favorite time of the year but for some reason the month of September is my least favorite month. The only reason that I can figure is because that is the month that we had to go back to school (but I liked school, except for junior high). September just kind of depresses me. Strange!
STAY COOL!!!
Denise H.
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I work third shift but I’m on vacation this week so I was actually out & about during daylight hours yesterday (out “flouncing around” I call it)…a major treat.
While I was driving around, I noticed a tremendous number of cars & trucks with their headlights on. It was a beautiful day here, in west central Ohio. Sunny, temperature @ 70 degrees, flowering trees in full bloom. It kind of puzzled me.
Then I remembered something. I looked at my watch & it was getting close to 3:30 PM, EDT.
The Governor of West Virginia had asked the people of the USA to observe a moment of silence at 3:30 EDT to honor the men who were killed in the coal mine explosion last week!
I immediately turned my headlights on.
It was so beautiful to see the various vehicles paying tribute to these miners. Trucks, ambulances not on a run, expensive cars, raggedy cars. We may have some problems in our country but we still have a lot of compassionate people who “Don’t Lose Heart”!
Denise H.
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Resa, I read your story with tears in my eyes, and I am so sorry for your loss, as I am an animal lover. My beloved deceased dogs are always with me in spirit. I went thru a very similar experience with two of my little ones, and you never forget them, sometimes when I see a butterfly hanging near me, I think its one of them just stopping by to say hello.
The “Birds” song is such emotional song, it stays with me for hours after hearing it. Dan was amazing and so wonderfully talented, his music always spoke to me, and still does.
Be well,
Char
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Dear Jean,
I have been a follower of Dan’s brilliant career as long as he has been in the music business. The unique quality of his writting, voice, and musical arrangements have meant so much to me and the news of his passing hit me hard.
One who has not experienced the loss of a loved one such as your self tries to understand and feel what you feel, however,it is only until we have experienced the same – can we truly identify. I have not lost a loved one since my grandmother died in 86 however, this past September my beloved companion Lightning- a 15 year old kitty boy, was diagnosed with cancer. By the time we discovered the cancer, it was too late to put him through treatment. The best I could do was to keep him comfortable and as pain free as possible. The last week of his life was the most painful experience I have had in a long time. I knew the long-time relationship we had was coming to an end. “Love In Time” had just been released and the song ‘Birds’ often played in the background. Particularly the words “it’s over” rang loud and clear.
I have learned a lot about death, grief, and loss since that experience. Loss is loss and grief is grief regardless as to whether it is a human or a beloved pet. For some of us, our pets have given us more unconditional love than most humans. They never leave our side no matter what. I often sit in the garden where Lightning loved to hang-out and where his ashes have been spread. It is almost as if I sense his happy spirit dancing among the tulips and daffodils that are planted in with his ashes. I have had so many days where I thought no one really understands what I am feeling, that agonizing pain that makes us feel so helpless and alone.
That last week while I spent many hours saying good-bye, and when he could find the strength to lift his head and look at me, he would purr and lick the top of my hand. I never knew that felines purr upon death. After researching this behavior, they actually purr to either comfort themselves or as an expression of anxiety. It occurred to me that if purring upon death is a way of comforting a cat, then a natural sense of peace must be a gift from our creator to help us move from one life to the next.
I have been following your newsletters, blogs, and interviews as well as made contributions to PCF in Dan’s name. It has been my way of saying thank you to Dan for all the years his music helped me to go through many of life’s challenges. There is a group here in Boxborough, Massachusetts who are committed to listening to Dan’s music often so that we may contribute to keeping “The Legacy” with us.
Thank you for your honest sharing and openness. Our healing becomes heathier as we give it away.
Many blessings and continued health and healing,
Resa Mahoney
Boxborough, MA
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Resa, you said it best: loss is loss and grief is grief. There’s no way to quantify the depths of another’s sorrow. Passing another person on the road, you can see the size of the sack they carry on their back, but you can’t know how heavy it is unless you help them carry it. ~ Jean
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Resa,
My heart goes out to you. Losing a beloved pet is heartbreaking. Someone shared this with me and I thought I would share it with you. I hope that it will touch your heart and ease your sorrow if just a bit.
Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….
Author unknown…
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I LOVE the Rainbow Bridge story! I belong to a horse rescue website & the first time that I ever heard about the Rainbow Bridge was there.
I printed a copy of it & gave it to my Mom to read & she loved it too. Not too long after that, a friend of hers had both of her dogs pass away fairly close together (I think that they’d both had cancer). Mom tried to tell her the Rainbow Bridge story & asked me if I would print a copy to give to her friend. Her friend loved it when she read it.
That is one of the sweetest stories I’ve ever heard & you just have to hope & wish that it is true!
Denise H
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Connie,
Thank you for sharing the Rainbow Bridge story. The cedar box that was returned to me with Lightning’s ashes had a card inside from the Rainbow Bridge with that story attached. I have strong faith that I will see him again and it brings me hope when I imagine our reunion being exactly like that.
Resa
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