STRESS & DEPRESSION
Never underestimate the extreme mental and physical effort that goes into caregiving. Don’t ignore your depression and exhaustion because you feel ashamed that you are even thinking about yourself, when what they are going through is so much worse. Caregivers often bottle up their feelings and put on a brave face. Commendable, but it can add to the feelings of depression and isolation. Many caregivers say they feel very alone and apart from the world. Caregiver depression is real, common, and dangerous.
CAREGIVER STRESS
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CAREGIVER DEPRESSION
FAMILY CAREGIVER ALLIANCE: http://www.caregiver.org/caregiver/jsp/content_node.jsp?nodeid=393
Caregiving does not cause depression, nor will everyone who provides care experience the negative feelings that go with depression. But in an effort to provide the best possible care for a family member or friend, caregivers often sacrifice their own physical and emotional needs, and the emotional and physical experiences involved with providing care can strain even the most capable person. The resulting feelings of anger, anxiety, sadness, isolation, exhaustion—and then guilt for having these feelings—can exact a heavy toll.
Unfortunately, feelings of depression are often seen as a sign of weakness rather than a sign that something is out of balance. Comments such as “snap out of it” or “it’s all in your head” are not helpful, and reflect a belief that mental health concerns are not real. Ignoring or denying your feelings will not make them go away.
Early attention to symptoms of depression through exercise, a healthy diet, positive support of family and friends, or consultation with a trained health or mental health professional may help to prevent the development of a more serious depression over time. Researchers have found that a person who provides care for someone with dementia is twice as likely to suffer from depression as a person providing care for someone without dementia. The more severe the case of dementia such as that caused by Alzheimer’s disease, the more likely the caregiver is to experience depression. It is critical for caregivers, especially in these situations, to receive consistent and dependable support.
Caregiver depression: Addressing a growing mental health issue
Statistics indicate one in four U.S. households provide care for aging loved ones, and some studies indicate as many as half of these caregivers experience some degree of depression.
What are the signs?
Depression occurs among caregivers about 10 times more often than in the general population. About 60 percent of caregivers present with some symptoms of depression, and 30 to 40 percent of them are considered to have major depression.
The following are the nine classic symptoms a physician looks for when considering a diagnosis of depression. A major depressive episode is present if five or more of the following nine symptoms are present during the same two-week period. At least one of the five symptoms must be either a depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure.
- Persistent sadness or unhappiness
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities
- Irritability or agitation
- Sudden change in appetite or weight
- Disruption of normal sleep pattern
- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt
- Difficulty thinking clearly or concentrating
- Thoughts of suicide or death
Aging caregivers are often difficult to diagnose because they may not present with these typical symptoms of depression. They may visit their doctor with complaints of backaches or headaches and general fatigue. Experts estimate primary care physicians miss between 30 and 50 percent of the cases of depression among their aging caregiver patients.
What are the long-term consequences?
In addition to the personal anguish depressed individuals experience, high rates of depressive symptoms put people at serious risk with their physical health as well. Depression is a significant risk factor for chronic medical conditions such as heart disease, cancer and diabetes. One study found that older caregiving spouses who reported strain due to caregiving experience a 63 percent higher mortality rate than older spouses who were not caregivers.
Depression is the second highest risk factor for death among heart patients, second only to a weak ejection fraction. Thirty to 50 percent of heart patients suffer from depression, and they are six times more likely to die than heart disease patients who are not depressed.
Patients who are being cared for by depressed individuals are also at risk. They may not be given medications regularly, and they are more likely to be placed in nursing homes and other institutionalized settings, which costs society an estimated $200 billion each year.
What factors influence caregiver depression?
Research has shown us that certain patient characteristics increase the caregiver’s risk of depression. Those who care for people younger than 65 years old who suffer from multiple medical problems resulting in their inability to perform two or more activities of daily living such as feeding themselves or personal hygiene are at the greatest risk. Additional risk factors include angry or aggressive behavior on the part of the patient.
Treatment
The good news is that effective treatment is available. Counseling and/or medication is effective in treating 90 percent of those suffering depression, but early intervention is important. The longer and more severe the depression, the greater the health risk to the individual and the less likely they will recover.
What to do?
Oftentimes, caregivers don’t seek help for their depression because they assume it is a natural consequence of caring for chronically ill loved ones and can’t be helped. Family members should be alert to signs of depression among the caregivers in their families and urge people to seek treatment as soon as possible.
Respite programs that give family members a break from their caregiving responsibilities helps as well. Families should come up with a plan to regularly relieve caregivers so they have time to take care of themselves and enjoy other activities. Research has found that caregivers who use adult day care services decreased their own care-related stress and depressive symptoms significantly.
There are also several national programs directed at supporting those who care for patients at home. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation has funded a demonstration project in three states that issues monthly cash allowances for Medicaid recipients to hire their own caregivers, including members of their families and friends.
FEMALE CAREGIVERS
According to Teresa Deshields, PhD, director of psycho-oncology services at the Siteman Cancer Center at Barnes-Jewish Hospital and Washington University School of Medicine in St. Louis, women seem to be more programmed to be caregivers than men. Because of this programming, women are more reluctant to ask for help, believing that they should be able to do it all. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case and depression can set in.
MALE CAREGIVERS
Women, primarily wives and daughters, provide the majority of caregiving, although the number of male caregivers has risen sharply and continues to grow. Men who are caregivers deal with depression differently. Men are less likely to admit to depression and doctors are less likely to diagnose depression in men. Men will more often “self treat” their depressive symptoms of anger, irritability or powerlessness with alcohol or overwork. Although male caregivers tend to be more willing than female caregivers to hire outside help for assistance with home care duties, they tend to have fewer friends to confide in or positive activities outside the home. The assumption that depressive symptoms are a sign of weakness can make it especially difficult for men to seek help.
Rising to the Challenge
Whether an ill relative has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, multiple sclerosis, Lou Gehrig’s disease, or a stroke, male caregivers often find their new role to be daunting and all-consuming. Most men have grown up in a household — and certainly a culture — in which females have been perceived as the primary family nurturers. Yet often by necessity, more men than ever are rolling up their sleeves and helping an ill loved one with day-to-day tasks such as dressing, toileting, bathing, eating, changing dressings, and managing medications.
Kathleen O’Brien, vice president of program services for the Alzheimer’s Association, says that many men may not have the same comfort or confidence level as women in handling the tasks of caregiving. “Some have a particularly difficult time with the more intimate care, such as a son bathing and dressing his mother,” she says.
To compound the stress in their lives, baby-boomer men may find themselves sandwiched between elder care and child care, and as they juggle work, family, and the needs of an aging parent, their stress and frustration can often turn into anger, despair, exhaustion, and burnout.
Finding Help
In confronting the responsibilities before them, men are more likely than women to delegate some of the caregiving responsibilities to others — either to other family members, or to outside help who they’ve hired to handle many of the home-care duties.
“Some men feel that they don’t have to do it all on their own, and they’re better than women at saying, ‘I need some help with this — you do this part, and I’ll do that part,’” says Carole Cohen, MD, associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Toronto. “In the work world, they may have become accustomed to this kind of delegating, whereas women of the same generation may be less likely to feel that it’s OK to get help.”
You can read more at MenStuff.org:
http://www.menstuff.org/issues/byissue/caregiving.html
Susan – you have been on my mind & heart. I hope you are finding answers and peace. Joan
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I wasn’t sure which section to put this video link, or even IF to put it anywhere. A friend sent it to me (it’s been around awhile) and I find it relaxing – though mostly it reminds me that one of the greatest stress reducers in MY life is the fact that i sincerely feel ACTUAL GRATITUDE for everything that happens in my life (even times I don’t like what’s happening AT ALL!) So this video is a good reminder for me, and I hope some of you like it as well. Have a Blessed Holiday season, and love to one and all!! Dorothy T
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Here’s a good article about dealing with depression during the holiday season.
http://mytown.mercurynews.com/archives/wgresident/12.16.98/DecemberDepression.html
~Ann
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To All My Fellow Caregivers & Friends,
Just received an email from a care giving friend, troubled, stressed, and depressed. I wrote back to him and said, that I had just been sitting at my computer thinking about the “job” we have as cg’s and how at times, we get depressed and stressed out, heck… even people not presently care giving feel that way. I continued to say, we all need just a little flicker of light when we feel we are at the end of the tunnel. The light or hope lets us know, this too will pass. When you think you can not go on, you can, we are all here for each other, aren’t we?
Put on some music, watch an old favorite movie, pop some popcorn, or just dance all by yourself, turn on “your light”… Be happy, it couldn’t hurt and it just might help!
Have a wonderful weekend, and never ever lose heart!
~Char
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What a lovely sentiment!
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Thank you Cindy, hope you had an amazing weekend.
~Char
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“Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart.” Galations 6:9
I have been feeling discouraged and so very tired of late with how busy the ‘never letting up’ is that our lives have become the last several months. Taking care of a co-worker, that has now become family, but is progressing rapidly with ALS and going into hospice, is so stressful, along with everything else going on in our lives. I am surprised at how gut wrenching this has become. There has been no time for me, except when I can listen to a few minutes of Dan in my car.
But these words came to me and comforted. I could not help feeling blessed by God, by this website, by Jean and all the DLHers, but ultimately, once again, by Dan. Don’t lose heart. Thank you Dan.
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Dear Joan, wow, what a “perfect” quote you’ve shared with us, thank you. I’m going to print it and leave it by my desk as a gentle reminder to hang in when the going gets rough.
My mother-in-law sent me this one recently that is also a good one: ” More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of..”
And, I can commiserate with the way you feel, as it has been a difficult time for me too with regard to my mom and her care and condition. This site does help me stay focused and grounded and I do find comfort here at DLH.
I’m glad Dan’s music comforts you too as it does for me every day as well.
You are a living angel helping your friend in their darkest hour and I will pray for you both. I can see that you all ready know that your conviction and faith will serve you well in these most difficult of times.
Autumn Blessings to You and Yours, Karen
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Hi Karen,
I totally agree with you about DLH, it helps so much, just to know we are not alone.
It gives me strength knowing that others have gone thru similar situations, and that
we are here to help each other thru some pretty rough times.
I am sorry you are still having a difficult time regarding your mom and her health concerns. Music is such a comfort for the soul, no matter what one’s taste in music is, it helps us to feel calmer, or dance like no one is looking(which I do all the time, well really I sing all the time, whether or not people are listening,looking or holding their hands over their ears !) I hope this note finds you singing and or dancing to your own beat, sending you best wishes for a stress-less musical week.
~Char
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Dear Joan,
How loving of you to be caring for a co-worker, you are so giving, and I see why you are stressed at the same time. Your quote fits the bill to perfection, even thou I know there are times when we just want to give up. As for the “no time for me” I understand the feeling, and try to grab and hour or so to do nothing, but play on the computer, watch TV, or listen to music,” me time” is a must. When you dear friend goes to hospice, you will have a little more time, I hope, and even thou the word “hospice” is scary at first, it is the most caring, wonderful, loving, peaceful place for your loved one to be. I wish you well, and please write again when you have time, and let me know how you are doing.
~Char
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Dearest Joan,
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:7
What a wonderful person you are to care for a friend with such a debilitating illness…and how wise to relinquish your role as caregiver, as your friend progresses through the end stages of ALS. Be assured that hospice will provide compassionate, humane care. This has to be a very stressful time for you, Joan, especially when combined with the often exhausting demands of daily life. My prayers are with you, your family-including the co-worker, who has become a family member to you.
I scanned through YouTube to find just the right song for you. I hope that, with God’s help, we at DHL can raise you up when you need support. Please turn to us again during your difficult journey….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=quZTdeUgiV8
God Bless-Much Love,
Ann
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OOPS, I meant DLH. DHL is some sort of delivery service!!
~Ann
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Joan, Wish words could just ease your burden but know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Your friend is very blessed to have you as her friend. You are earning jewels in your heavenly crown. Keep visiting us, letting us know how you are doing, even if to just vent a bit. Keep Dan’s words close to heart. This site truly is a blessing. Love and prayers, Susan
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My dear friends at DLH – My heart is full after reading your encouraging words. They helped tremendously these last few days as I kept them close to my heart. It has been a difficult week for all of us. Our dear friend Andrew is slipping down the ALS road quickly. Andrew was in a displaced person camp from Lithuania between the age of 5 – 12 as they then immigrated to the US. He lost his mother when he was 5. He served in the US Navy and we just received words that they consider his ALS military related and “catastrophic”. He is a gentle soul.
Karen, Char, Ann and Susan – each of you said something that was such a comfort to my heart. Thank you. My life was starting to feel spiritually dry as I had been so wrapped up in the “emergencies”. So I picked a little book thinking I could time to read that at least. It was by Chuck Swindoll titled “The Gentle Art of a Servant’s Heart” when I came across the quote. I know there are many of God’s gentle servants here at DLH and I am so thankful for every last one – “to the depths of my soul”.
Many blessings, Love Joan (a fellow MOster!)
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Dear Joan,
Glad to hear you have taken a second for yourself, that sounds like a great book. Your friend, Andrew, has had such a hard life, how wonderful for him to have you as his saving grace, at this point in his life. It’s amazing to me that someone such as he having gone thru all he has endured and he still such a gentle soul. DLH is the light at the end of the tunnel, we as caregivers are in at one time or another, for me it is my saving grace. Many blessing on you all, to find some comfort this week, in a song, a book, a smile, and from all of us here at DLH, wishing you peace.
~Char
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Wow! Has it been only 2 months since I wrote this? In that time we’ve lost Andrew, have been handling his estate (interesting finding his heirs, but that is another story), and now this week finding out our bachelor brother-in-law was lying on his floor for 4 days 200 miles away. He is now in the hospital unable to function or take care of himself. He seemed a little “off” at Thanksgiving, with some little personality changes noticed over the last year. But we had no clue how he was sick.
Now we are caregiving again. I believe Andrew was “test run” (thank you Andrew for being such a good patient!). This next one will NOT be easy due to distance and beligerant personality changes. Also, the legal papers are not in place. He is going to be ruled incompetent and we will be his guardians. He is only 62.
We don’t know what the underlying cause is yet. We are expecting alzheimer’s, psychosis, or a brain tumor. His house is filthy. My poor husband has been cleaning it for over a week, while I am stuck at home with my job. So our marriage is going through more stress and who knows what is going to happen at Christmas.
I don’t know how I would get through these times if not for the grace of God and His steadfastness. Also knowing there are others that understand all this chaos and are living with similar challenges in their lives helps tremendously. Thanks DLHers!
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Dear Joan,
My heart goes out to you again, as you face another caregiver situation. Sorry to hear of you brother in law’s health problems. Stress is never good, but especially at this time of the year, when we all would love to be able to sit back and enjoy the season.
My thoughts are with you and your husband, as you make your way thru the next few weeks. We are all here for you, and hope for the best for all involved parties.
~ Char
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Char – Many thanks for your caring words. We all just ‘love’ stress, don’t we?
I pray that you and your family can really enjoy this special time together. You have had your share of troubles this year as well. It is time for peace… Joan
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Oh my gosh, Joan, on the floor for four days?! That’s terrible, I feel so bad for your brother-in-law, but I’m really concerned for you and your husband – you could have used a long break after Andrew died, especially having to deal all this time with estate stuff. When you do find his heirs, I hope you’ll write about it – I’ll bet it will be a really interesting story. All of this stress is bound to take a toll on your marriage. Does he have insurance? Will he remain in a care facility or will you be caring for him at home? I’m hoping insurance and care facility, and I’m hoping you and your husband will be able to find a little time to breathe and relax together away from all the madness. ~ Jean
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Well, we finally have an answer. Ronald has an extremely large brain tumor. It is taking up about 1/4 of the space in his cranium. He will have surgery Sat. am., so I am off to Rapid City. We pray he makes it through surgery, but know there are no guarantees.
Ron is a veteran with RA and diabetes. He turned down Medicare (a decision we now know was due to the tumor)and is under the VA. So he may have a lot of debt. We will go through the steps as we did with Andrew to see if the VA will rule his illness as service related. We know he was around Agent Orange in Vietnam.
Jean, your reply full of hopes & empathy meant so much, especially today. Your FB entries this morning were perfect. Very comforting. ‘To The Morning’ has always empowered me to face hard times with resolution and thankfulness for each new day. Each time I listen to this beautiful song, I am always surprised at the tears dripping down my face.
Blessings to you this holiday, Jean and to everyone here at DLH. Joan
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Happy Tuesday evening y’all,
Just wanted to ask for some well wishes, prayers and white light for my mom. She was terminated from her job today. She has been at this grocery store for 15 years, ever since they opened it. And today they let her go, no warning. She is 81 and extremely proud and independent. This is not good for her as working has kept her mind clear, without work, I am worried that her mind will get even foggier. I am going to help her as much as I can in finding something else. My concern is who will want to hire an 81 year old. We are going to check into crossing guards, and some of the other retail stores locally since she has to stay close to home. I have been looking for a job for the past two weeks and at age 53, I have sent out 26 resumes and have not had one response. The job situation in Florida is extremely poor right now. So thank you in advance for your prayers and thoughts. Some job possibilities are not possible due to her mental fuzziness, but I am hoping something will turn up. Love and blessings!! Susan
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Susan, I am so sorry to hear that your mom lost her job…and without any warning. What a crummy way to let her go after 15 years of service and at such a tender age. Does she need to work or was it something for her to do to stay active and involved? I ask because I’m wondering if a volunteer position somewhere in your community would be a viable alternative? I know in our area we have an organization called Volunteer Center of the Redwoods, whose sole mission is to hook up seniors to organizations that need their help and wisdom. Perhaps you have a similar organization in your community? Other than my prayers and sympathy, that’s all I have to offer at this moment. Please give your mom a hug from me – all the way from California!
Lisa
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Thanks so much Lisa, we both gratefully accept the hug. Unfortunately, her mental status is fuzzy at times and being a cashier did not tax her too much. She was very with it while at work. On days she didn’t work, she was very cloudy. But I will call the volunteer organizations around here. She would have to work close to home, as she does not drive by herself very far any longer. It is not so much money, she just wants to be and stay busy. So we are going to be busy the next few days lookin for somethin for her. My best friend Laura lives in California, Chico to be exact. Knew you California folks were kind. And your prayers are most welcome!! A hug right back to you!! Susan
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Dear Susan,
Hoping & praying for solutions for both you and your Mom. Please … don’t lose heart ;0)! Hugs from SD too! Joan
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Dear Susan, very disheartening to hear what happenned to your dear mom and also I’m sorry you are having a tough time as well. I know the job situation is brutal right now in Florida. My own brother who lives there is a GC & struggling to keep his head above water. I also have friends there who are in the same boat. In fact, as we all know, it’s tough everywhere right now. Is there a local Senior Center you can call to try and give you some ideas for a nice job that would be appropriate for your mom since god bless her she still wants to keep busy? In the meantime, try and encourage her to do crosswords, read books and even playing games like chess or RummyQ would be helpful to her to keep her mind sharp. I met a nice lady at the park one day while walking my dog who walks owners dogs for them regularly and also does pet sitting for them as well and I thought what a nice little low stress business that would be for someone and also a good way to get out and get some exercise too with the pooches!
I will definitely keep you and your mom in my prayers. Let us know how you’re both doing Susan. Hugs to Both,
Karen
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Dear Susan,
On a personal note, I can really relate to your concern for your mother. My dad is 82, and my mom will be 80 next month. My dad also worked part-time well into his 70′s. The furniture store, where he had worked since 1970, continued to have Dad come in 2-3 days a week to repair damaged furniture, do touch-up work, etc. In addition, he had a great utility building at home, full of wonderful woodworking equipment. He made beautiful wood toy chests and magazine racks for all of his children/grandchildren, and an adorable rocking chair for my daughters’ dolls
Like your mother, I’m not sure that my dad had any idea that he was no longer going to be needed when he was told it was time to completely retire. Because my parents lived in a rural German Catholic community in Iowa, many of us in the area are at least distantly related. This was the case in my dad’s situation, so I’m hoping the owners were kind in explaining that they no longer had need for his work…I don’t know the details. In your mom’s situation, was she given any explanation for why she was let go from her job? The manner in which anyone-and especially an elderly person-is terminated from a posistion can make a huge difference. If she was thanked for her 15 years of employment and was given a reasonable explanation for termination, that alone could go a long way. It sounds, however, that this was not the case, and I’m so very sorry for both your mother and you. I will say my prayers for both of you
My mom has said that the first winter my dad no longer worked at the store was very hard for him. However, Dad’s one remaining younger brother also died rather suddenly during that time period. Even though my uncle was definitely a redneck (polar opposite from my dad), he and my dad had forged a bond and were big fishing buddies. They both loved the outdoors. He did miss work, though, as well.
After 55 years in the same house, living rather isolated in the country, my parents finally moved into the closest local town-population about 900 people. The move has been great for my parents, and maybe my sharing some of their activities will give you some ideas for your mom…I hope so
My dad suffered a stroke in 2007, but is still able to help my mom around the house and outdoors quite a bit. A few days ago, he even hung out clothes to dry!! My mom is very good about giving him jobs that he is capable of accomplishing, which of course is so important for his self-esteem. We all need to feel productive!!
Every day, my parents rise early and get on the path right by their house for a 1-2 mile walk…Mom can walk further than Dad, but that’s OK. My dad enjoys watching “Ellen” and “The View”….go figure-my dad’s a staunch Republican, but one of his favorite shows is a liberal talk show, and the other is hosted by a gay woman-HA!!! My mom still cooks quite a bit, and every day after lunch, she and my dad play a couple of games of rummy. Both of them love to do crossword puzzles, and my dad enjoys doing jigsaw puzzles. Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune are daily “musts” in their schedule. 2-3 mornings a week, they go for coffee at “J&M”, largely to socialize w/the other senior citizens. The social aspect of living in this small town has been great for them, because many of the other elderly people are former neighbors from the country, relatives, and other people they’ve known for years. Unfortunately, my dad’s familial tremor has become worse since his stroke, so he can no longer do any woodworking. He also agrees that it’s not a good idea to drive any longer. As you well know, it’s hard for an older person to lose/relinquish some of those skills and activities.
RE: your mom, do you have a WalMart store nearby? I know that a large percentage of their greeters are senior citizens. Also, many cities have programs to pair elderly people with children, so they can interact w/each other. Does your city have any sort of Elder Services program, or a similar organization that you could contact? I would think the right school or library might love to have her volunteer to read to children, help them with schoolwork, etc. Unfortunately, Susan the reality is that since your mom is 81 and limited to staying close to home, it may be quite difficult to find her an actual paying job. Does she have friends to mingle with and/or can you get her to a senior citizens’ center now and then? Also, Grandparents’ Day is Sunday Sept. 12, so you may want to make sure her grandchildren send her cards
I really think that anything you can do to help keep your mom stimulated and her mind busy, will help her stay sharp-even if this isn’t in an actual work situation.
Please keep us posted, Susan. I’m not sure if Mom is home with you, if you ever have respite care, etc. I know it’s a tough time for both of you, so be assured that many of us are here to provide you with support
Hang in there, Susan!!
Much love,
Ann
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Hi Susan,
Big hugs from Connecticut. I was sorry to hear about you mom losing her job, which of course was a lot more than just a job for her. Love Ann’s idea of Walmart, and how about a local hospital, they usually have seniors in some areas, working in various different jobs(as volunteers) Also, how about a local church, they usually need people to answer phones at times, etc. I just know something will turn up, wishing you many blessings.
~Char
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Thanks everyone for your well wishes. We are not going to leave a stone unturned for mom. Unfortunately, we are limited since she is not as sharp or bright as she used to be and would be unable to pass any type of tests. We have started by giving odd jobs around the house. She is a work horse and her body is very strong, so we have given her a few odd jobs such as pulling weeds, maybe making a meal or two, painting the deck. She loves being outside and just wants to stay busy. She will also be going to work with my husband a couple of days to help him. In the meantime, I am going to be burning the phone lines for her. She does do jigsaw puzzles and puzzle books, so I am hoping that keeps her busy. At 81, she is not of the computer generation and does not even know how to turn one on, let alone run it. So she is not real willing to learn current things, but I am going to do my best. I know employment is bad all over this great country of ours. I will keep you posted. If I disappear for a few days, I am in the world of unemployment and job seekers, but I won’t be gone long. Love, blessings and many thanks!! Susan
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Hi Susan. I wanted to send my best wishes to you & your Mom too!
My Mom is 76 years old & works full time, she really almost HAS to, at this time. However, I have no doubt that she would not be happy if she didn’t have to work at least part time. She likes to get out & be involved.
In our town we have an organization called “Elderly United”. It is for people 55 years old & older (oh Dear God, I just realized that I am old enough to be eligible for it!). It has all kinds of activities for seniors & opportunities for them to volunteer. Here is a section from their website:
“Volunteer Opportunities
Elderly United Senior Services has a wide variety of challenging volunteer opportunities for all ages is support of Elderly United Senior Services. Some volunteers assist in administrative duties, while others provide hands-on services such as transportation or tax filing assistance. Many opportunities exist that map to a member’s skills and interests.
In addition, by working with Retired and Senior Volunteer Program (RSVP), we can offer a wide range of volunteer positions throughout the community including positions with museums, other not-for-profits and more. Contact us to learn more.
Contact us about volunteering”
Maybe there is something similar where you live? I know that I am always reading about the various goings-on at Elderly United (trips to the gambling boats, horse races, ball games, craft shows & so on).
Good luck to you!
Denise H
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Hi Susan,
‘Twas just thinking about you and wondering how it’s going finding something for your mom to do with her days? And how are YOU holding up? Yes, a hug to you too!
Take care,
Lisa
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Hi guys. I wasn’t sure which category to use but “stress” seemed appropriate! I’ve got to blow off a little steam!
If any of you has read some of my comments, you might be familiar with the story of my sister the drug addict. Heroin seems to be her favorite but she’ll take ANYTHING to excess!
She has been complaining of sciatica since @ the 4th of July. She has probably gone to the emergency room & the doctor at least 25 times since then & has even called the emergency squad twice (early this morning being the most recent).
The doctors will give her medicine & tell her what to do…the leg will feel better & she will ignore what they tell her & the game starts all over again. Last night she decided that she was dying & had my Mom call the squad. They took her to the hospital. The hospital put the assorted monitors on her & gave her some shots. She got pissed off because she thought that they weren’t doing enough to help her & walked home!
I had just gotten off of work at 7:30 AM, so I told my Mom that I would stay downstairs & make sure that she was okay while Mom was at work.
I was sitting in the recliner, around 10 AM, (watching David Tutera) & dozed off.
When I work, I carry a fanny pack instead of a purse. I cram my wallet in there & I have my cell phone clipped to the strap.
Okay, I was dozing in the chair when something woke me up. I just barely peeked my eyes open to see what was going on. My sister was stretched out on the sofa, on her stomach, to the side of me. Her arm was outstretched towards my fanny pack & it was unzipped!
I flew my eyes open & hollered at her, “Were you in my purse?”
She stammered around, “Your phone was beeping.” Okay, anyone who has a cell phone KNOWS that if your phone was beeping, you’ll either see a message or be told that you missed a call…NOTHING!
That bitch was trying to steal my money to go buy (or have delivered) some drugs…probably heroin! By the way, she DIDN’T get any money because my wallet fits so tightly in the fanny pack that you HAVE to pull it out & she didn’t get a chance to (it’s hard to put back in too)!
I am so mad that I can’t see straight! I warned Mom that she needs to hide her money when she comes home too!
I’m really beginning to doubt that she has sciatica that bad, I think that she is milking it for drugs! I had a pinched nerve in my neck last year from December until February of this year. It hurt from my right shoulder blade to the tips of my fingers on my right hand (I’m right handed). It hurt like HELL! I slept sitting up in a recliner for 2 months! I decorated the Christmas tree with one arm. But I did what I had to do to make it well. It’s better now but I still live in fear that I will hurt it again so I’ve changed how I lift things. I took Excedrin for it.
I’m sorry, but if she is REALLY in that much pain, she WOULD be doing what the doctors have told her to do, not making beelines for more drugs!
Okay, I’m done spouting off for now. It won’t change things but at least I got some of it off of my chest without adding it to my Mom’s worries! She sounds off to me & I usually just keep it to myself.
Take care & stay cool!
Love ya all
“Neecie”
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Oh..Neecie, Not sure what I can say to help you and the situation, but here goes. I know you have said you do not believe in rehab for drug addicts, but have you thought of a program for family of addicts, such as they have in AA. Just a idea, not even sure if there are such programs, but seems to me there is a big need for something like that. Glad you got it off your chest, and at the same one of our fellow cg’ers here may have some wonderful ideas, and/or just a kind word for you. I am sending hugs to you and your mom. I know you are trying to keep a lot of this from your mom and to carry all the anger, hurt and worry, yourself, I understand, but please try to find somewhere outside of your home, with other people in your situation, perhaps a group that you could join and just vent, once a week or so,might make you feel better. I wish I could say and do more, Neec, please take care of yourself, and of course DLH…. thinking of you.
~Char
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Oh I know, we just deal with it! Shoot, Mom & I went to Al Anon probably at least 25 years ago (for my sister). We’ve been dealing with this forever! As I’ve said before, I figure that the end will happen when she either dies of a drug overdose, an infection from the drugs, is in the wrong place at the wrong time or goes to prison! You wait & see, she’ll outlive ALL of us, ha-ha!
There IS one thing that can bring a smile to my face. My sister was always the athletic one…played softball & all kinds of sports. I was the sissy. I played with my Barbie dolls, read, did artwork & girly things. I was terrible in gym class too (she was GREAT in it).
When she came home from her nearly year long stint in jail around 2003, she got snotty to me about something (I probably made some kind of crack about how she needed to get a job & contribute to the household). She challenged me to an arm wrestling match & I accepted! She figured that since she had always been Miss Macho, she’d just wipe the floor up with me…DIDN’T HAPPEN!!!
Beads of sweat broke out on her forehead & you could see that she was getting mad. She had my arm leaning a little bit BUT SHE COULDN’T GET IT OVER!
She finally got mad, said she hurt her arm & quit! SHE GAVE IN!!! HAH! THAT made my day!!! Little sissy Neecie won by default!
I think that she has hated me even more ever since! Oh well!
Catch ya later,
Neecie
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Oh Neecie, What is it with the hospital(s)/health care facilities where you live??!! I just don’t get how the same hospital keeps taking your sister back and supplying her with medications, giving her injections of meds, etc. Who made the initial diagnosis of sciatica, and do YOU really think your sister really has a problem w/her sciatic nerve being compressed (having excessive pressure being placed on it)? Often sciatica can be the result of a herniated disk in the lower back, but there are others causes, such as a fall or blow to the spine.
Prescription pain medications are often EXTREMELY addictive…think of all of the people in Hollywood who’ve been in rehab (often more than once) for addiction to Hydrocodone, Vicodin, Darvocet, Percocet, OxyContin, etc. I couldn’t believe when my own Obstetrician precribed Darvocet or Percocet for me before being released from the hospital (after I gave birth). I just threw the prescription in the wastebasket, as I barely even needed ibuprofen!!
If your sister did/does have an actual problem with sciatica, I would think the doctors would have ordered and MRI, CAT Scan, and/or X-rays. Surely they would want to determine the actual cause of the pain. So if I were you, I’d try to find out what tests have been run and what part radiologists have played in terms of imaging (MRI, etc.). My fear is that at this point, your sister has become so addicted to pain meds that she just needs to keep getting another fix.
I wish your sister had been able to get treatment at Hazelden (in Minnesota). The facility has an excellent reputation nationwide, and I know Matthew Perry from “Friends” spent some time there. I’ll include the link below. As Char had suggested, you’ll see that Hazeldon, in addition to working w/the addicted individual, also has programs for families, parents, and siblings.
In the meantime, keep your money as far away from Sis as possible (and the same for your mom)!! I’m so sorry you have to deal with this, Neecie
I suppose it’s hard to arrange for anyone else to watch your sister, as it sounds like she just pops in whenever. I think you and your mom have done more than your share for her….stay strong, and realize you’ve done your very best. Are you ever able to get to the theater to see a movie or do lunch w/a friend? Would probably be good for you to get away from home and work just to take a short break 
http://www.hazelden.org/?utm_source=gg&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=brand
Love & Hugs,
Ann
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Hey Neecie, I just noticed that Hazelden has expaned and now has 2 other facilities in MN, along w/rehab centers in FL, NY, IL, & Oregon.
~Ann
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Hi Ann, thanks so much! Actually, my sister LIVES with my Mom! We live in a duplex; I live upstairs & have lived here for over 20 years. Mom was living with me when my sister got into such bad trouble in 2002. Mom had to take over raising my sister’s son & my place wasn’t big enough so she had to get an apartment closer to my nephew’s school. After my sister got out of “incarceration” she was supposed to get a job & get back with the program (of being a responsible adult)…hasn’t happened.
When the bottom half of the duplex came available, Mom got it & moved in downstairs. It was ideal because it has a huge fenced-in yard for the dog to play in (she’s part border collie & likes to play outside). My nephew & sister are still with her.
My nephew is a little immature for his age, due to the way he was raised & probably because his mother ingested drugs & alcohol while she was pregnant with him. He’s basically a good kid but his mother was SUCH a poor role model…his father (also a piece of crap) has been out of the picture since my nephew was a toddler (& is now dead, not the greatest loss in the world). My nephew ADORES my Mom, they share the same birthday!
Our hospital IS a piece of S**T! I know of at least 2 people that they have actually killed! A third person was being left to die because “there was nothing that they could do for him”. His family transferred the man to a Columbus hospital & he is still alive & well 7 years later.
There had even been an investigation of this hospital a few years ago by one of the doctors who had worked on the OJ Simpson case. I can’t remember his name for sure…Dr. Baden?
You CANNOT believe anything that my sister tells you! Who KNOWS what she has been diagnosed with! I think that she probably DOES have some kind of back problem, but I also think that she is milking it! If it REALLY hurt that much, after a while you WOULD be doing whatever you were supposed to, to make it feel better! I didn’t go to the doctor with my pinched nerve (sorry folks, I am the kind of person who ONLY goes to the doctor kicking & screaming, I make EVERY effort to cure myself!). I took Excedrin, put a sling on my arm, wore ace bandages on each area that was in pain (it would travel around) & took a week off of work in early January.
She told us that when the squad took her to the hospital yesterday morning, either they (or the hospital) gave her a shot of “Haldol”. When I looked up what Haldol was used for, it was pretty interesting. It sure as heck isn’t a pain killer!
Well, I’ve gotta run. I’m off today & have to take Mom’s car to get a new muffler on it. She’s sounding like the “Little Old Lady From Pasadena!”, so I’m letting her use my car!
Catch ya later!
Love ya,
Neecie
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Hi Neecie, Jean & Ann, I’m familiar with Haldol as well only b/c Hospice likes to use it. They give you a kit of pain relievers, etc. to use when there’s a type of emergency situation that comes up and there was an inicident when I called them b/c my mother was very agitated from being impacted with her bowels and they gave that to her to relax her. So, it sounds like they use it for a lot of different behaviors when they need the patient to calm down or relax.
Ann gave such great ideas/advice. I’ll keep you and your sister & mom all in my prayers in hope that your sister can get help & get better soon.
Take care, Karen
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Karen, Thanks for this info.!! I’d never heard of Haldol being used for agitated patients, so this is good to know
When I worked in Kansas City, one facility was fond of using Thorazine injections to calm down adolescent patients. I was not crazy about that, because I think the aggression could have been prevented without resorting to medication.
Also, Neecie, I meant to ask if you’ve ever HAD your sister committed to a psychiatric facility…DUH….I was typing faster than I was thinking!!
~Ann
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FINAL ADDENDUM (I promise!!) Denise-I’m no psychiatrist, so I can’t diagnose, but I think your sister sounds too “with it” to be psychotic/schizophrenic. After reading Karen’s comment about Haldol being used to relax a patient, I researched Thorazine, which I had been forced to inject in an agitated teenage patient. Haldol and Thorazine are in the same family of neuroleptic drugs, so who knows?…..maybe your sister was given an injection of Haldol to calm her down. If so, I hope the hospital doesn’t continue to use that med to calm her down!!
~Ann
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Denise, as you know, I usually have an idea or two about things, but I have to say, in this case I’m stumped! It’s obvious you’ve tried everything to help your sister, to no avail. My back went out on me one day when I was bending to pick up the vacuum canister handle and my knees buckled. I was in such pain I couldn’t even crawl up the stairs until I’d had a muscle relaxer in me for half an hour, and even then it was slow going and excruciating. If your sister was able to walk home, I think you’re right – she was hoping the hospital would give her pain medication. And if they really did give her Haldol this time instead of pain meds, it sounds like they’re on to her and think her problems are all in her head. And if they DIDN’T give her Haldol, that begs the interesting question, why did she say they did? ~ Jean
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Neecie, Jean has thrown me a worm and I’m biting!! My background in psychiatric nursing is largely in child/adolescent psych. However, I do have some adult experience and have learned quite a bit about adult psych illnesses/treatment as well. First of all, at this point, I honestly wouldn’t be too optimistic about your sister’s long-term prognosis (and I don’t think you are). Secondly, have you or any other family members have your sister committed to a psychiatric facility? You’re in Ohio, correct? Substance abuse is DEFINTELY categorized as a psychiatric/mental disorder. Check your local library-or book store-and look for a book called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disoreders-Fourth Edition (DSM-IV-TR for short). It is the BIBLE of psychiatric diagnosing. READ about both personality disorders AND substance abuse, and see if any of the symptoms really describe your sister.
I think Sis probably has more than one condition/illness, but I’m confused about the Haldol comment. Haldol was actually first used at The University of Iowa Hospitals, where I got my college degree and worked for several years. It is not a drug that is administered lightly, and to my knowledge, is generally only prescribed for schizophrenia and Tourette’s Disorder (when a patient has uncontrolled body tics and may also says/yells things (“Shit!”, for example) without having control over what he/she said. Has your sister previously mentioned taking Haldol? Because if she was truly prescribed/administered this med routinely, I highly doubt the doctors would let her go without hospitalizing her. In fact, long-term use of Haldol can cause a side effect referred to as the “Haldol Shuffle” (referring to how the patient walks), Tardive Dyskinesia (will let you look this up on your own
, and drooling. If your sister is truly schizophrenic, I’m quite sure she would be hospitalized.
The laws/ethical rules for committing a person do differ from state to state, but I would HIGHLY encourage you to check into this process in your state (Ohio, correct?). I do feel as though your sister has not had an appropriate long-term hosptalization and work-up, which she really needs. None of your family members seem to know what exactly IS wrong with your sister (and I’m not slapping anyone on the hand for this). However, I suspect that your sister has more than one condition/illness going on. And I so STRONGLY believe that we, as a society, have to look at psychiatric conditions as conditons such as hypertension and diabetes. I’m not minimizing the “slick” things that your sister has pulled over the years….I think she does probably have some sort of personality disorder. However, besides strong substance abuse and a tendency to use people, I don’t know-without personally talking to her-what else might be going on.
Is there any chance your sister could be seen under Title IX at the Univeristy of Ohio health care facilities or the Cleveland Clinic? I don’t claim to know all of the ins and outs of medical/psychiatric law….I do know that in Iowa, where I live, a person can be committed if he/she is a threat to himself or others (suicidal or homicidal). I don’t know if this includes being a threat to self by potential drug overdose. You’d need to make calls to agencirs yourself, but gosh, if Sis ends up in a reputable psych facility, I think you’d all be able to get to the root of her problems-It must be really difficult knowing WHAT your sister’s problems are.
Below is a link to info. about Dr. Nancy Andreasen-not because she is at The University of Iowa, but because she is probably one of the most well-respected and known doctors in schizoprenia world-wide. Make sure you click on schizophrenia on the left side of the website. Please let me know if I can help in any other way, Denise. We just moved back to the Iowa City area in 2005-after moving in 1990-but I still have connections in the psych dept., and would be glad to make some calls for you if necessary!! Hang in there, and let’s try to get through this and firgure it out!!!
http://nancyandreasen.com/index.html
Much love,
Ann
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Good morning ladies. It took me a minute to get organized here because I had my keyboard upside down & words JUST don’t come out the same when you are trying to type like that, ha-ha!
I DO appreciate all of your ideas & suggestions. I’m going to print them up to give to my Mom to read. I think that it would be good for her to see them too!
Mom & I have talked & we both believe that my sister (Peggy) has literally “fried her brain” at some point on these drugs! She has gotten noticeably worse too. You will tell her something & she will forget & ask again a few minutes later.
I think that I mentioned in one of my comments that she was born to my Mom in her first marriage (Mom got pregnant in high school & had to get married; that’s what they did back then). Mom & Peg’s biological father divorced shortly after the birth. One of Mom’s girlfriends arranged a blind date for Mom with my Dad that summer. They hit it off. He & his entire family absolutely adored Peg too! Dad & Mom got married on Jean’s Dan’s 2nd birthday in 1953.
Dad adopted Peg, her biological father signed her over because he said that Dad would be a better father for her (in fact he later said that if he won the lottery, he would give all of the money to my Dad for being such a good father to my sister).
We were raised just the same, I was not treated any better because I was Dad’s only biological child. In fact, if you REALLY want me to be honest, Peg was probably given MORE than I ever was! She was the older kid so she got the new bike & the new clothes & stuff…I got the hand-me-downs! That’s how it was back then, no biggie to me!
Dad’s whole family treated Peg (& other adopted cousins) just the same as they treated the biological kids. We were all just the grandkids!
In a long way I was trying to tell you how out of it she is. A couple of weeks ago her biological father’s sister died (Betty). She listed Peg in her obituary as a survivor. Peg had actually told us that she’d been in the hospital & wasn’t doing well.
MY Dad also had a sister named Betty, she died shortly after my Dad in 2003 & Peg KNEW this. Anyway, Mom told Peg that HER Aunt Betty had just died & Peg was named in the obituary. Peg thought that she meant my Dad’s sister & she acted shocked when we told her that she’d been dead for years!
I told her, yesterday, that a friend of ours had died. Mom had just found out about it. Peg said that she already knew because it had “been in the paper yesterday!” Say WHAT??? NO, it hadn’t!
When Peg was taken to the hospital & given the Haldol, Mom said that she was acting all hysterical & saying that she was going to die! Personally, I think that she was going through withdrawal!
Oh, she is SO good at playing the system. She is a conniver!
Jean is right, the pain is HORRIBLE when you hurt your back (I’m basing mine on the pinched nerve in the neck…it still makes me scared of re-injuring it to this day). If you are REALLY in that much pain, you would try to make it better, not do things that you KNOW will make it worse!
The funny thing is that, last week, she made a phone call & then started walking up the street. Mom told me to go on the porch & see where she was going. I watched her walk & she wasn’t limping at all. Then she turned & saw me & started limping. She crossed the street back to our side & got as far over as she could so that I couldn’t see her.
What she was doing was going to buy some drugs! She placed her order & was walking to meet them!
Peg’s daughters have absolutely nothing to do with her. She has dumped on them so many times it isn’t even funny. And they are such good girls…ladies, actually. One works full-time in the aerospace industry, in management. The other, as a divorced single mom in her 30s, worked fulltime & put herself through Purdue (without taking any quarters off) & then went on to get her master’s degree! She should be proud of her daughters but she just acts jealous.
You are right, I don’t expect a good outcome. I just mainly would like for my Mom to have some peace & happiness. Hell, I am used to stress! You wake up in the morning (or whatever time it is that I wake up) & you think “okay, I KNOW that I am supposed to be worried about something”, & then you remember. I always tell Mom that or lives have soap operas beat all to hell, ha-ha!
Well, I am going to check my e-mails & keep an eye on the weather. There are storms forming between here & Indianpolis, & I don’t stay on my computer when it is storming! But I will HAPPILY take storms if it will just cool off!
Take care, ladies & I will catch ya later. Love you all!!!
Denise H
(Neecie)
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Neecie, I understand that wake up feeling, when you know there is something wrong, and for one spilt second, you forget, as you are still somewhere between sleep and the real world. I wish I could say something to help, but I believe the cg’s above had done a wonderful job with their ideas. Just know I am thinking of you all and hoping for a good outcome. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and of course, DLH.
~Char
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Hi Neecie, You’ve been to hel$ and back with your sister!! I feel so bad for you and your Mom. Conniving was the word that came to me last night to describe Peg, and I see that you chose the same word. Even though Peg probably IS envious of her own daughters, I’m glad that these young women bring YOU joy and pride. Adversity probably motivated them. I hope you and your mom can lift each other up when the going gets rough. I’ll be saying lots of prayers for you
Much love,
Ann
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Jean, Ann, Char & Karen; my Mom asked me to send you all of her love!
I printed up your comments for her to read this morning & they meant a LOT to her. She couldn’t get over how sweet & caring you all are.
She wanted me to tell you that her favorite “escape” is going to the gambling boats on the Ohio River with her sister, twice a year (for a day). She also considers working at the VFW & hearing all of THEIR problems as an escape, ha-ha!
Jean, Mom wanted me to tell you that she has watched my sister through the reflections on the French doors in the living room. You can see someone in the kitchen & they don’t realize it. No sign of a limp or bad back! YOU know, from your back injury, that couldn’t happen if you were in pain! But when she walks out into the living room, she is all hobbled & limping again! Pitiful.
Well, I’ve got to run & pay some bills & go to the grocery store.
Thanks again! Catch ya later.
Denise-Neecie
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Dear Neec & Mom,
Just a short little note to say I am thinking of you both and hoping you had a great day. Still looking for some cooler weather here in Connecticut. Mom, have you read about our casinos in the great state of CT?
Thinking of you guys!
~Char
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Neecie, by chance did the Norma Jean doll look like an adult, blond, curvy female….like Marilyn Monroe? HA!!!! I’m assuming you must know that Marilyn Monroe was baptized Norma Jeane Baker?? Ah yes, I think I can hear Elton John singing, “Goodbye, Norma Jeane….” LOL:) Enjoy your dolls and Dan cassette tape
Love,
Ann
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Neecie-Just to clarify, I of course was referring to the Elton John song bidding Marilyn Monroe, not your mother, farewell!! We just finished watching the movie, “The Proposal”. That’s one I can see over and over….rent it if you’ve not seen it-Hilarious!!
Love & Hugs,
Ann
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Do you want to hear something “funny” about that song? Earlier, I mentioned Mom’s “late fiance.” Backtracking, my parents divorced when I was in high school. After a few rough years, they wound up becoming very good friends (better friends than they were as husband & wife, according to Mom).
Thirteen months after my Dad died, Mom’s fiance died a few days after suffering a stroke the day before New Year’s Eve. He’d been on his way to the gambling boats with his son & a couple of other women! NOT the way you want to be caught fooling around! Mom was FURIOUS!!!
She & I drove to the other town, where he was driving through when the stroke happened. He was unconcious but I believe that he was “still in there” somewhere. He squeezed our hands when we talked to him, & he REALLY squeezed Mom’s hand when she asked him what the hell he was doing with those other women! That was New Year’s Eve day.
He died a couple of days later & we hadn’t gone back to see him, for various reasons (mainly because we weren’t family, we’d just sneaked in the other time).
I was working third shift on the night that he’d died. That night, the song “Candle In The Wind” started playing in the middle of the night. The Princess Diana version was always the version that was played, but it hadn’t played for months. This version was the Marilyn Monroe version; “Goodbye Norma Jean!” Mom’s name is “Norma Jeann!” THAT freaked me out & I’ve always believed that it was a sign from him for me to give to Mom!
You shoud see the doll I got at Goodwill a couple of years ago! She’s porcelain with blonde curly hair & is wearing a sheer, short dress. I thought that she was pretty & would make a nice springtime fairy with a little bit of work, so I bought her.
I usually look on the computer to see if I can learn more about the dolls when I buy them. I looked at the information on the doll’s neck & looked her up. She is something that is called a “boudoir doll.”
I read the description of her & it said that she was wearing a sheer nightie (so was mine except I thought that it was a fairy dress) & it described how she had molded nipples!
I did a double-take at my doll & damned if she didn’t!
It went on to say that the doll was actually worth a decent amount of money so that ended my plans to turn her into a fairy! She looks a lot like Marilyn Monroe from the 50s!
I’m going to look up my other two doll finds of the day & see who they might be (I LOVE these kids of things).
Catch ya later.
Neecie
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Oh Neecie, I remember you said something about the Norma Jean song awhile back….when we were talking about hearing songs on the radio that reminded us of recently deceased loved ones. Hey, you need to get on Antiques Roadshow with that boudoir doll!! Do you have a very large doll collection?
By the way, I almost meant to ask you if you work at a hospital, since I know you work shifts. I started out as a nurse being a day/night rotator and that SUCKED!! I would literally work 7 night shifts (11-7) in a row, have a day off, then switch back to the day shift. I just couldn’t adapt…I’d be dead after working a hectic night shift (lots of serious patient injuries, pre-op patients, etc.), would sleep HARD for about 3-4 hours and wake up to a sunny day. Soooo, being 22 and sun-ignorant, I’d go lay out and work on my tan. By 8:00 PM I’d be tired, but afraid to lay down for fear of oversleeping!!! After 7 months of that, I transferred to Child Psych and only had to work a weekend of nights every 6-8 weeks. AND, Frank the nursing assistant I usually worked with, was a real softy….we were allowed a 40-minute break, so most of us would head down w/a blanket to the kids’ TV room-and lay down on the sectional. Cushy, I know. I’d ALWAYS tell Frank to wake me up in 40 minutes, but he’d always let me sleep for a few hours!!! Really, the kids never did anything at night, except sleep and wet their beds (to clarify: just some of them were bedwetters!!).
Well, I have to try my little one’s uniform pants on her for fit-since school starts soon, so I’ll sign off. Hope you’re having a good day, Neecie!!
See you later!
Ann
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Hi Neecie, just wanted to send you a shout out to hang in there, I know that you and your poor mom are both probably mentally exhausted, frustrated and feel at your wits end with her but yet you still are obviously trying to do anything you can to help her starting with not throwing her out on the streets to fend for herself. At the end of the day, all you can do is have tried your best to help her but sometimes it’s just never enough and she has to want to help herself to get clean/sober so she can start leading a normal and productive life again. I feel for all of you and will keep you all in my prayers. I hope she gets the help she needs soon.
On a lighter note, my husband and son have been wanting to make a special trip to Sandusky for a long time now in quest for new thrills and I told him about some of the info you told Ann about, etc. Anyways, looks like we’re headed there in September for a long weekend; he has booked us our tickets. There is some trepidation on my part though as I am not as big a fan of the crazy roller coaster rides as they are! Should be interesting! I hope we’ll get a touch of the beautiful Fall weather while we’re there though. I really liked the Cleveland suburbs when I used to visit there in the past and at the time would not have minded moving there. That was over 15 yrs ago now.
Anyways, remember what I said to hang tough, you’re managing to still keep your sense of humor I can tell, so that’s s good thing, hold on to that! We all need that in order to keep our sanity these days right?!! A Jimmy Buffett CD is a good fun destresser I find when life gets a little too crazy at times!
Karen
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Hi Karen! Ahhh Jimmy Buffett!!! I could easily become a “Parrot head”! For some reason, Ohioans are exceptionally fond of Jimmy. He said that the name “parrot head” originated at a concert in Cincinnati! He looked out at the audience, dressed in their tropical get-ups, & he told them they weren’t “Cheese heads” (like in Wisconsin), they were PARROT HEADS! I have a couple of his concert shirts, a few CDs, but I’ve never seen him in concert!
I’ll tell you what…I am TERRIFIED of roller coasters! I got on the JUNIOR Racer at King’s Island a few years back & it scared the hell out of me! I don’t DO roller coasters!
Look at Cedar Point’s website, they have some SCARY roller coasters…HUGE ones!!!
Depending on when you go, you might start catching some fall color. We used to go to the mid August Nascar race in Brooklyn Michigan, which is in southern Michigan, just across from Ohio. We would see some of the trees starting to change color in Michigan.
Cedar Point is west of Cleveland. About halfway between Cleveland & Toledo & it is on a peninsula that sticks out into Lake Erie.
You’ll really want the weather to be somewhat warm because you ARE sticking out into the Lake & will catch the winds from it!
When you are on one of the tall rides, look out into the Lake. I think that you’ll be able to see a tall monument out on one of the islands in the distance. It’s the Oliver Hazard Perry Monument & it commemorates the Battle of Lake Erie from the War of 1812. You don’t usually think of Ohio as being a battlefield in the War of 1812! Lots of neat islands in the Lake too! Put-In-Bay, Kelley’s Island, South Bass Island.
I looked at the Cedar Point website & I see a LOT of the rides that I remembered. You’ll have fun without getting on the scary coasters! I’m glad you’re going, it is SO neat there!
Take care & I will catch ya later. Gotta go back to sleep awhile, I woke up after only 3 hours!
Neecie
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Hi Denise, thanks for all the good feedback on Cedar Point. I’m going to share it with the hubby. It does sound like it will be really neat and the coasters there sound pretty radical, so I’m not so sure about them! I will go on certain ones only these days in my upper age! It will be nice to see Ohio again though.
Mr. Buffett is touring right now, you should try and catch his show. I grew up in Florida, so I also grew up listening to him and seeing him many times and he never disappoints. His shows still sell out too, so you need to jump on those tickets once they go on sale!
Karen
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I’m closest to Cincinnati (on his tours). He always performs at Riverbend, on the Ohio River, & he ALWAYS sells out almost instantly!
A few years ago they kept adding dates in Cincinnati, as he kept selling them out. I think that he wound up doing 4 shows before they ran out of room to squeeze any more in. Cincinnati has a serious love affair going on with him.
If Cedar Point is anything like it used to be, (& from everybody who’s been there lately, it IS), you will have a ball! I envy you!
Catch ya later,
Love ya,
Neecie
PS…if you were from Cleveland, does this mean that you are a BROWNS fan? I’m a Bengals fan!
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Hi Neecie, I know, huge rivalry there, right! No, I’m not from Cleveland (but I was born in Michigan!), I just used to go there with an old boyfriend who was from there. I can only remember Mayfield Rd & Mayfield Heights for names & areas. One of the times I was there was in the Fall & living in FL at the time, I thought it was just beautiful and loved the hometown feel of the area. We get the seasons in NC where I live now, but I know it’s just spectacular in the northern states and the mountains.
Telling me about Cedar Point is definitely helping me get more excited about going, thanks! I hope you get a chance to go see Buffett! He’s a classic.
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Hi Ann. No, I am in retail! Not the most fun thing in the world but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do (thank GOD I’m not a cashier). Unfortunately, my part of the country has been hit hard by jobs being outsourced & downsized (Ohio) so there aren’t a lot of options right now. I’ve also worked here for a lot of years & have a fairly high seniority & benefits, so that is something that you can’t really walk away from for a shot in the dark.
The hours are just the bad part. I usually tell everybody that I have “crossed over to the dark side”, because I am awake all night & attempt to sleep in the day! I feel like a bat!!!
I have lots of dolls! I usually give the porcelain ones to Mom (I saw where “Norma Jean” is worth $70 on the computer, I paid $4.99). I pretty much collect Barbies. I have many different kinds but my favorites are the ones from the early 60s or the re-issues of them. I gave all of my Barbies to my nieces when they were little & they killed them! I wish that I would have kept mine. I had the old blonde ponytail with the curly bangs, the bubblecuts & so on. I HAVE found most of their twins over the past couple of years. They are all in pretty good shape & I didn’t pay more than $3 for any of them!
I had a happy morning today. Thought that I’d go check the other Goodwill store, since I rarely get the chance anymore.
On the way over there, I heard the Monkees song, “Daydream Believer.” I thought, “oh how neat, that’s Jean’s song!” Hadn’t heard it for years!
When I was over there, I started hitting my usual spots (dolls, books, crafts & music). Found a couple of neat crafty items, found a good book, didn’t find any decent dolls. So I went over to the music.
There in the front of the record albums was “The Innocent Age!” Ahhhhhhhh, literally took my breath away! You almost NEVER find Dan’s music in these places (people must keep them)! I’ve never found any CDs & have found @ 5 cassettes, over the years & this was the FIRST LP that I’ve ever found! Everything was with it too! Now I am going to have to find a couple of picture frames (for the cover & the lyric insert) & hang it as artwork!
It’s kind of funny that it is the one that I found. It has the picture of the doll on the front & I love dolls (I loved Jean putting her on “Love In Time”). It’s also my favorite.
Okay, I’d better take my nap so that I can go to work tonight. Take care & I will catch ya later.
Love ya,
Neecie/ Denise H
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Yep, I remembered right after I posted my reply to you that you’re not exactly crazy about the hospitals in your area!! So why would you be working at one of them??!! It sounds like you work only nights, which I think is really better than rotating shifts…at least your body has a more routine schedule. Well, I have to get off of here and do some investigating about treehouses. Lauren is begging for one for her upcoming 8th birthday gift….we’ll see what Dad has to say about that (??!!!)
Love & Hugs,
Ann
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Hi friends,
These “Adorable 12 Commandments” were sent to me a day or two ago by a high school friend. Hope you find them as uplifting, consoling, and as full of wisdom as I did. DLH!!
http://www.slideshare.net/frikkiec/the-twelve-commandments-2534860
Ann
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I don’t know where the sleep comment section went, but wanted to share with you all something I have found this past week that has been very beneficial in helping me sleep. I went to Bath and Body Works and they have a lotion there “sleep therapy”. The particular scent I got was Warm Milk and Honey. It also comes in a shower gel. I like their products as supposedly they are not tested on animals and I am trying to be more aware of animal cruelty. Anyway, after a week of using this in the evening right before I get in bed, I have found myself sleeping better. It is not a heavy scent. It is very light. It also comes in a Lavender scent, but I have not found lavender to be very soothing. Anyway, for the past week, it has worked. So for those of us who are insomniacs and don’t want to take meds, give this a try. It has worked for me. They have several products in that line including a spray you can use on your sheets and pillow case. I find it not only relaxing but it does tend to help me sleep. Good luck!! and Sweet Dreams!!
Susan
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Hey Susan, I’m going to try it! The whole sleep conversation took place on my blog page: To Sleep, Perchance to Dream. You can find it in my Posts Log. If you want to post this comment there as well, couldn’t hurt. ~ Jean
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I wrote and told you of my frustration with dealing with my mother a few weeks ago when she lost he3r wallet. Well, I wanted to share with you our Saturday from this past weekend. Every other week I get up at 6 am and ride along with Mom when she gets her hair done. She drives about 40 minutes away to this same lady she has been using for 10 years. I started going with her last year when she got lost 3 times driving. Saturday was a great day. She had her hair done, I had mine done, we did our usual Wal-Mart shopping and just all in all a very good day. Our son came home Sunday and spent Sunday evening watchin wrestling with her. It was one of the nicest weekends I can remember. There are good times yet to be had. Just wanted to share something good.
Blessings-Susan
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Watching wrestling; what a character she must be….she sounds like Maxine! Thanks for sharing the good times with us, Susan. Those are the times that get us through the bad ones. ~ Jean
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She is a type of Maxine. Sitting with her coffee cup in one hand and a cigarette the other!!! She is quite a character!!! And Feisty!!! She’s my mom and I love her!!!
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Susan,
Sometimes it the simple times that have the most profound impact on our lives. Always, always,…always remember that life is short and the best is yet to come! Thanks for sharing “something good”! Richard
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Jean, I lost one of my best friends to suicide back in October 2009. “M”, whom I had known for over 30 years, was a retired Air Force Officer with a PhD in Engineering and was employed at a State University in the engineering research arena. “M” loved life, had a great sense of humor, always was upbeat and positive, and at 53 was still competing in triathlons and winning his age bracket. One the best down hill snow skiers to ever hit the slopes. To me, and many that knew “M”, he was nothing less than a virtual Superman. Absolutely the last person on the face of the earth that I would have ever suspected of suicide.
Work-related pressures apparently resulted in clinical depression and then severe sleep deprivation drove his decision to take his life. I attended his funeral and took part in the eulogy. “M” left no note or letter nor did he confide in anyone other than his wife that one terrible last morning. To this day I am at a loss regarding the reason he took such a final and drastic action. I always saw “M” and I growing old together and meeting up upon retirement for life adventures. With the future in mind, we had purchased Colorado mountain property together back in 83…mother nature at her absolute best and not on the power grid! Sadly, I had just cleared a portion of the 5 acres in Sept 2009 for construction of a small cabin.
Probably the saddest aspect of “M’s” life is that his father abandoned him, his mother, and two younger sisters, when he was probably 7 years of age. He became the man of the house at an early age and from that point forward became a “caretaker” of both family and friends. He always put the needs of others before his own. Tragically this, in the end, proved to be a downfall and pivotal regarding his decision to take his life. You see…”M” knew how to help others and fix their problems but ultimately he did not know how to ask for help from others or would not do so. As such, the grief has been difficult to handle.
As a measure to “deal” with my grief, I’ve had a few sessions with a family therapist. I was also recommended the following readings from an Air Force Chaplain: “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl. In addition, “Why People Die by Suicide” by Dr Thomas Joiner, the Bright-Burton Professor of Psychology at Florida State University. Dr Joiner is really the foremost clinician-researcher on suicide currently in print.
During these crazy and hectic times we live in, I’d like to share the following important point with your readers: It’s paramount for all of us to realize that everyone we meet is carrying around some burden on their shoulder. So, as often as possible…extend a smile, handshake, and open your heart when you encounter people for these simple and selfless actions just might save a life.
As a closing tribute to “M” and Dan F., both whom loved nature, I’d like I’d like to share the following piece of writing from Tatanga Mani (Walking Buffalo), Stoney: “Lots of people hardly ever feel real soil under their feet, see plants grow except in flower pots, or get far enough beyond the street light to catch the enchantment of a night sky studded with stars. When people live far from scenes of the Great Spirit’s making, it’s easy for them to forget his laws.” ~ Hence, Nature is our greatest teacher and healer of the body and mind.
I’ll close with the simple phrase that “M” typically used to end his emails with….
“Smile Away!”
Richard
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Thank you Richard, for sharing your story, realizations, and lessons learned with us. I’m so sorry for your loss, and ours. “M” sounds like a good person to have in the world – I wish we could have known him. ~ Jean
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Jean,
Thank you for your kind note. I can assure you that you would of loved “M”. He had a bright light inside of him and he sure knew how to make it shine. He simply was one of those people that you truly felt great in being around. He took the expression “Natural High” to another level. Yes…he was one of life’s rarities, a limited edition, and totally irreplaceable.
When it comes to pain and loss, we “guys” typically put on the stoic face and project the tough guy persona but this loss truly brought me to my knees. As such, and for the first time in my life, I actually sought help from a therapist (about 5 sessions). While the sessions offered me an opportunity to vent and share, I must say that at times I still feel like a wounded warrior walking around with a large gaping hole in my chest. All in all…the acceptance of “M’s” suicide has been one of my tallest challenges in life. However, at this point in my life I have concluded that I need to determine and set a course of action to channel my grief into something productive that will ultimately contribute to suicide prevention. I am not exactly sure what the “something” is yet but I’m sure that the good Lord will open the door at the right time with an answer. Until that time arrives, rest assured that I’ll not lose heart!
Jean…Thanks once again for all you do!
Richard
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Richard, you ARE a wounded warrior. But I think you have a good handle on things – continue to explore your ideas for healing, and please let us know what works for you. And remember, you can’t treat a wound when it’s encased in a suit of armor. ~ Jean
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Jean,
You always seem to have the right perspective and know exactly how to express it. The armor has been removed and I know that some healing will take place when I visit our mountain property in Idaho Springs, Colorado (30 min. from Denver) in Sept. During this visit to the mountain I plan to conduct a Native American “Smudging” (blessing) for “M”. As a part of the ceremony we’ll share some of “M’s” ashes with the Great Spirit and Mother Earth. In attendance there will be “M’s” 27 year old son and a few other close mountain friends. Also, and most worthy of mention here, is that I conducted a “Smudging” to honor your Dan a couple of years ago on “Black Warrior” (the name of our property). I did this because of Dan’s love of Colorado, the mountains, and his love of his Native American brothers and sisters. In closing, I’ll certainly keep you posted on my progress and thanks so much for the kind and caring sentiments. I wish you all the best that life has to offer. Most Sincerely, Richard.
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Hi Richard,
I am sorry for your loss, its hard to understand things that happen. I too lost a very dear friend 10 years ago, and know matter how they leave us, life as we knew it, with them in it, can/will never be the same. Getting past all of the sadness is the hard part. I think as you said ,opening our hearts, smiling, saying a simple hello can help save someone,and of course that’s what it is all about. Thank you Richard for your story.
Be Well
Char
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Char,
Life is indeed a journey filled with peaks and valleys.
The loss of a best friend as a result of suicide is definitely a deep and dark valley to climb one’s way out of. I believe the saddest aspect of suicides is the profound loss of hope. But yet there is always hope and one should never loose sight of this reality. I just wish that “M” would of sought help from a professional therapist, for I know the outcome would of been different. For me…I take the climb out of the valley one step at a time and as time passes the saddness will lessen and the spirit will be restored. Will I ever get over the loss of “M” who was one of my oldest and cloest friends…probably not, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I intend to trudge toward it. Thanks for the kind sentiments and I wish you peace and happiness. Richard
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Richard, it is also my wish for you to find again, peace and happiness. And please remember to take care of yourself,we are all here for you.
Char
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Char,
The world is a much better place with people like you and Jean in it!
Thanks so much and God Bless us one and all!
Richard
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PS-I have been on my own since I was 15, following the divorce I left and went to live with friends, from there I moved back to take care of my sisters, from there I moved in with my grandparents and took care of my grandmother after the death of my grandfather. Seems like I am a born caretaker now that I think back on things. I actually did not marry until I was 32 and has my son at 34. So I was on my own for quite a while. And your comments do feel right. I guess sometimes it takes someone who is not so close to open our eyes. Thanks again!
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thank you for you kind words of support Jean. You have excellent points and some I have never even thought of before. Another note, my mother and stepfather divorced when I was 15 and she moved out, leaving my sisters, all younger than me, with him. I left for a year and went back and moved in with my sisters as my one sister kept calling, telling me should couldn’t handle it all. So I not only moved back, I became a mother temporarily to five girls for several years. I have been a mother in more ways than one. The phrase “smokes like a fish” is just one I have heard for many years, meaning someone who smokes a lot. Never did hear how it came about tho. I have been so very blessed, having a wonderful support group of friends and my church. And yes, I do take long walks and listen to my music, my salvation, and the biggest play list I have, why Dan of course. He still brings me comfort after these years. Don’t know about being a saint, but I like to think when I put my head down on my pillow at night, I have done the best I can by her, and pray if and when the time comes, my son will see the example and perhaps be there for me. I have used a lot of info from this site and cannot tell you how much it means to have a place to come to, to visit with others going thru the same thing and we are not alone. Bless you for all you do!! Love and hugs!! And thanks again!! Susan
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I need to share with others who may have an idea of why I am feeling like I am and how I can keep this from happening. My mother, 80 yrs old, has lived with us for over 15 years now. She is healthy, smokes like a fish, doesn’t take the first medication. She is a cashier at our local grocery store, does jigsaw puzzles and loves to play bingo. I am the oldest of 6 girls. My mother-in-law lived with us for the first ten years of our married life until she passed away and three months later, my mother moved in, just did not want to live alone and we have a little apartment attached to our house so it is a perfect arrangement. But in the last two years or so, I find my mom getting cloudy thinking, not remembering, very fuzzy. I have even taken to driving with her when she goes out as several times she has lost her way and had to call for directions home. She has never been diagnosed with anything and refuses to even see a doctor. This Saturday we had an incident where she lost her wallet, I tried to question her, where was it last and long story short, we found it, but I was losing my patience with her.
I work in a surgeon’s office and had a little lady, 87 years old, and had the patience of Job with her, answering her many questions over and over as I was scheduling her for surgery. Why do I have so much patience with a perfect stranger and not my own mother? I have wracked my brain and I don’t understand why. And what happens when she gets fuzzier and fuzzier and less alert? I cannot rely on my sisters, they are unfortunately unreliable and undependable. So it is up to my husband and me. I just don’t understand why I don’t have the patientce with her? Any suggestions or ideas?
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Dear Susan, you know that saying, “Blood is thicker than water.”? Well, it’s so true on so many levels. That little 87-year-old lady is just an 87-year-old lady in your eyes. You have no history with her; no knowledge of who she was when she was younger, or even who she was a week ago. She didn’t tuck you in at night; make your lunch; tie ribbons in your hair. She never held you, argued with you, instructed you, praised you, warned you, worried about you, bragged about you, disappointed you, made you proud of her. She’s just a little old lady, which is what she’s always been to you in the short time you’ve known her. Your relationship with her is water, simple and clear, and you can see right to the very bottom of your feelings for her.
Your mother, on the other hand, is so much more. Your relationship with her is deep, and the blood that runs between the two of you is so thick you can’t even see just below the surface, much less into the depths. And there is so much down there: an entire lifetime of memories and feelings, and you continue to add to them every day. Maybe parts of you are reacting to her obvious signs of aging: the little girl who doesn’t want her mother to leave her, right up to the grown woman who finds herself moving into the role of parent.
Did you ever come home late from a date and have to endure your mother shouting angrily at you that she’d been worried sick about you? She was mad at you for making her worry. She was worried because she loved you and couldn’t stand the thought of something bad happening to you. Looking back on those times now, you don’t fault her for losing her temper with you, do you? You understand that she was coming from a place of love and fear, don’t you? Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re becoming the parent now in this strange mother/daughter dance that’s been going on for thousands of years. She’s going to do things that worry and frighten you. You’re going to lose patience because you love her and can’t stand the thought of something bad happening to her. You are her flesh and blood, and she is yours, and that bond is one crazy, wonderful, terrible, and mysterious thing. You have your own life; a husband, a job, and now you’re spending more and more energy caring for your mother. You’re probably more tired than you realize, and you wonder why you lose your patience sometimes?!!??!?!!
And getting back to that little girl who doesn’t want to lose her mother. I’m no psychologist, and I don’t know how many years you spent on your own, from the time you left home to the time you got married, but Susan, do you realize you’ve lived most of your life with mother figures close by? First your mother, growing up, then your mother-in-law the first 10 years of your marriage, and immediately after she died, your own mother again for the last 15 years? You also said in an earlier comment that you’d been blessed with several other women in your life who’d been “second moms” to you, some of whom have died. You might want to give some thought to what a big step this is for you – stepping into the role of “mother”, after surrounding yourself with mothers for so many years. Even if you have kids, this is a different kind of mothering. You’re going to go through some big life changes. I hope you can find some time to get away by yourself, even if it’s just for some long walks, so you can get in touch with who Susan is, and who she’s becoming. She’s a damn saint in my book, I just hope she doesn’t get burned out at the altar.
I don’t know – just putting this out there. Maybe some of it will feel right, maybe none of it will. Maybe you just need a white sandy beach next to some warm turquoise water. Sounds good to me. ~ Jean
p.s. Did you really say she “smokes like a fish?” I don’t even know what that means….
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