Ah, a bit of spring has come our way and it’s great to be spending time outside again. Walk down any neighborhood road on the island and you’ll see some very old stone walls. As you can see, they aren’t intended to keep people out, they’re just to mark the boundaries of the property. Less than two feet tall, they’re easy to step over. I was thinking about the intent of these walls, and that got me thinking about the walls we put up around ourselves. Like the stone walls, we don’t really expect them to keep people out, we’re just marking our personal boundaries.
When you’re a primary caregiver, it can be difficult to gauge when it’s okay to step over one of these personal boundary walls. As you’re called upon to do more and more for your loved one, the lines of personal space can become blurred. It’s so important that the person you’re caring for is able to maintain some sense of dignity, and having someone perform the most intimate of tasks for them can feel invasive and embarrassing. Sometimes there’s no time to consider or discuss; something has to be done, and it has to be done now. But there are many times when a little discussion ahead of time would go a long ways towards helping your loved one to preserve a sense of control and self respect.
When it becomes apparent that they are unable to do something on their own, and that you will have to assist them, start by including them in the decision making process. And don’t assume it’s a permanent situation, approach it with the attitude that it’s just a temporary setback. Let’s say your mother is having trouble getting in and out of the tub by herself. Rather than starting by saying, “Well, I’ll help you do this from now on”, you could start by saying “You know, I saw some non-skid mats at Wal-Mart that might give you some traction, how about we pick one of those up? And Mom, I’ll be happy to help you until you get your strength back, how would that be?”
By approaching the situation in this way, you aren’t shutting the door forever on her self-sufficiency, and you aren’t invading her boundaries uninvited. Once you’ve discussed exactly what the problem is and how the two of you can work around it together, go slow until you’ve established a comfortable routine. Be flexible and as things change, continue to discuss those changes together for as long as you can.
If you tread carefully, those walls will last for many harmonious years.
Greetings Y’all!!
What an emotional and exhausting day for me and mom. Today mom turned her car in. It was a lease car and the lease was up. However, due to her age, her income of social security only, she was unable to get another car. A very, very big step for her. I spent days trying to prepare her. She had been turned down by the bank and by the car dealership also. And it is difficult to make her understand why. At 82 and with the memory slowly fading, business matters are more and more difficult to explain. We are hoping as the days progress on, she will realize it may be okay to not have to worry about a car or a car payment. Between our son, myself and my husband, she has plenty of folks to get her here and there. But still, losing that independence is difficult. Not sure who it is more difficult for. Finally had a melt down today after the realization she was going to be without a car. I guess it is the fact that this is one more step of her fading back. And no matter how I put a spin on it, it is very hard to accept. We shall see what the next few days bring. I managed to get two of my sisters to talk to her, try to put a very positive spin on it and I am hoping she will see the light. Now if I can wrap my head around it, we will be fine. I pray you all have a most blessed and Happy Easter, Passover or whatever you choose to celebrate. Spring has completely skipped Florida this year and we have had temps of 90 and above for the last month. I am slowly melting. Missing you all and hopefully things will get back on an even keel. Love you all!! Thanks for always being there. Susan
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Susan, What a big day for you and your mom I can only imagine what your mom must be thinking and feeling. Turning in the car and possibly not being able to ever drive again is huge thing to wrap your head around. The loss of independence and freedom will be hard for you and your mom. Hope you had a good cry during your meltdown and ranted at the world for making life tough for you. Smart to know that things might look just a little brighter in the next week. You are fortunate to have others who can also drive for her. I don’t know your mom but I do know that it is very hard to ask for help or be a passenger. Change is hard….
Hope you have a Sunday that is joyful for you. Stay cool. Best, Joyce
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Susan,
I can only begin to imagine how hard the situation is on you and your mom, independence is a hard thing to give up. I find it difficult to “wrap my head” around things, it takes a while. Having the meltdown is usually my first step in accepting the situation. As the days go by, it seems easier to understand and accept for me at least. You know my thoughts will be with you, your mom and family in the coming weeks. In the meantime, this inspirational quote always seems to hit home for me, hope it helps you too. ~Char
“No Matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.”
— Maya Angelou
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Thanks Char and Joyce. Today is a beautiful, glorious Easter Sunday and the sun is shining and Mom is alive and well next door. And that is the good stuff. I think my meltdown also comes because financially my husband and I are unable to help her. I am angry at the situation, but it is what it is. when she first lost her job, she was angry and she was going to get back out there and find another job. Now, if you mention her going to work, she just shakes her head. She does not want to work. I am hoping as days move on, the car is the same situation. She may realize she does not want or need the headache of a car and things will settle down. The sun is shining, the cardinals are playing in the back yard and it is a better tomorrow. Wishing you all the best Easter!!Thanks for listening. Susan
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Susan – how lovely to hear from you – your light comes shining through – even through all the hard times! I hope you continued to have a grand Easter day. I am dreading the day my Mother will have to give up driving. She is still doing pretty well, but it will end someday – she is 96!
Just have to mention that today I saw my first cardinal (in person). This is huge as my Mom is all about cardinals & passed that love down to me. We have cardinals everywhere inside our houses. We just don’t see them outside as they are not common where we live. How exciting to think of them playing in your back yard! Joan
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Dear Susan, I completely understand your situation with your mom. When the day came that we had to take my dad’s car keys away, he was so angry. My parents had just moved in with us and it seemed like a good time for him to stop driving, as I would be able to take them wherever they needed to go. Dad was just an accident waiting to happen. But thank God it never did. He slowly accepted this loss, but every once in a while we would hear him mutter about “how they took my car keys away”. Eventually he just forgot about it and it was no longer an issue.
I hope you had a wonderful Easter!!! Mary
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Hey everyone, just so you can check on this yourselves, my financial boundaries were violated and my walls knocked down today. Thank heavens I logged onto my VISA account today. I wanted to make sure a $25 refund had been applied. Well, it had, but above that I noticed a totally unknown online purchase….for $843.25!!! I checked the online site and knew for a fact that nobody in my family had ordered a thing from this site, so I called my awesome credit card co. The woman who answered the phone was familiar w/the company, since this was not the first time the company had been cited for credit card fraud. I’m just glad I caught this charge immediately, because, for all I know, they may have kept “purchasing” things on my account.
Ann** does not like computer hackers. In fact, Ann gets very angry when greedy people essentially attempt to steal a huge amt. of money from her. Yes, Jean, sit down and take a deep breath….sweet, sensitive Ann is capable of getting pretty angry….and she can even throw in some not-so-nice words!! So I did contact the company, waited and waited until I finally was connected to a young female, who assured me their company is “reputable”. HA!! And then..get this…she asked me if I would be able to give her the credit card # with which the purchase was made!!! Yeah, right lady. I had to inform Miss Not-So-Bright that the number was no longer usable because of her company’s credit card fraud. I assured her that her company would be out of business in the near future. The lesson to be learned? Check your credit card purchases online at least weekly. For me, it’s not a huge deal, because I caught the fraud right away, and it was probably time to change my credit card number anyway. But it’s still a pain.
**I just felt in the mood to refer to myself in the third person at the beginning of the last paragraph
Kind of makes me think of Elmo (He always refers to himself as “Elmo”) or “Jimmy” from the Seinfeld episode (“Jimmy’s new in town…Jimmy doesn’t know anyone…Jimmy’s kind of sweet on Elaine…Jimmy can’t play ball without these shoes…Yadda Yadda Yadda.”)
Time for bed-I’m getting a little goofy. May the rest of YOUR financial transactions this week be safe and uneventful!!
~Ann
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i actually wrote the following reply on March 9, and, for whatever reason, didn’t post it at that time. it’s just been sitting around on my desktop wondering what i was going to do with it. haha
i suppose part of me feels it might be considered overkill – too much like my “official story”, etc. yet I’ve decided to post it anyway.
here it is:
on the other hand…. expanding on what I said in my ‘story’, there are folks out there, like my mom before getting to the sweet child-like state she is in now, who want nothing more than to have someone do anything and everything we possibly can for them – - – even when they are perfectly capable of doing it themselves. In this case, the boundaries can become “how do I set MY boundaries with as little damage as possible to both of us?” I honestly tried for a long time to set my boundaries softly, with kindness, yet my mom was clearly not capable of understanding this at all. Honestly, not at all. She simply believed with all her heart that loving her meant I would be there for her, to do anything she felt she needed, or wanted, at any time.
Of course, I own it is my OWN codependency that didn’t allow me to just let her expectations roll off me without reaction, which would have relieved a lot of the stress both of us were dealing with. I would feel guilty even when I had no reason to. And that was as much because of how I imagined my father (who had spoiled mom all through their marriage) would prefer I be there for her more than was healthy for either of us.
As I became more burned out (as much by mom’s constant attempts to consume my energies than the actual ‘doing’ of caregiving) I grew colder (‘cooler’ is a more appropriate word) and more defended around her, even while always continuing to carry compassion (within my soul, not so much my ego) and to do anything and everything I felt WAS important for me to do to care for her.
Mom has been such an incredible teacher to me in many ways, but most particularly in learning to gracefully define and set appropriate personal boundaries, no matter how the person I set them with reacts. To find those often ‘hard-to-find lines’ between being selfish and needing to ‘take care of self.” There has never been a time I stopped doing “beyond the call of duty” to care for mom – to handle all her affairs, spend time with her every day, take her on outings, train companions, as that became more and more necessary….to cook healthy meals, learn to listen more than talk, rub/tickle her feet, etc.
Today, I know how blessed we all are that Mom CAN have around the clock companions to sit with her (thank God for long-term-care insurance!) I tell her “Mom, you will NEVER be alone again for as long as you live” and she is so grateful for that (which is the opposite of how I would be in her situation.) Yet even with caregivers, she gets one or two daily visits from me (7 to 8 months of the year) or from one of my sisters, who come visit and give me breaks during most of the Winter months (this year January, February, March and May….which is a glorious break!!)
I still feel guilty those months I am here alone if I don’t do at least one good visit with mom everyday (even though she is confused enough that I could not go and she wouldn’t ‘get it’ if I missed a day here or there) and, as I said in my story, I am so grateful that every bit of my former ‘coolness’ and resentment has evaporated. I organically pour loving and kind energy toward her when I visit, as she pours hers back to me. We are both nourished by this love.
As I write I am filled with tears of gratitude for all the blessings that can come from both the ‘light’ AND ‘darkness’ in my life.
I have said more than I initially intended to here, and know I repeated things in my ‘story’, so thanks for listening. Every sharing brings more healing for me. In return, I want y’all to know I eventually read/hear what each of you say – even when I don’t respond – and am happy to ‘hear’ as much ‘repeat’ as any of you wish to share as well!
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Dear Dorothy, it’s late at night, so for now I’m only going to say thank you so much for sharing this, and for reminding us that there are boundaries on the caregiver side of the wall that need to be respected as well.
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There are times, when I forget that the person that I am caring for, may very well have these feelings. This is something that seems to fall between the lines, as caregiving is so hard at times, and wanting to be the perfect caregiver and not do anything wrong, only makes me more and more nervous, and less tolerate. Thank you for bringing this to my attention, Jean
in such a lovely way.
Char
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Thanks, Char. ~ Jean
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